10 Reasons Why I Want Cesar Millan To Get Mauled By A Dog
Tuesday, 02 Jun 2009
- Cesar Milan woke me up at 4 AM when I was sleeping on the couch last night with his dumb DVD training set infomercial.
- He speaks in that fake, affected Mexican accent that so many famous Mexicans speak in. He sounds like Felipe, Jack Tripper’s assistant chef from Three’s Company
- I’ve never seen him get bitten by a dog and this seems like either excellent luck or wizardry, and thus in his line of work he should get bit by a dog sometimes
- He says in his Spanish Eckhart Tolle voice “I teach humans to not think of a dog as a human— (wait for it)— but as a dog” and stupid white people with too much disposable income faint at this bit of advice.
- He never feeds the dogs sandwiches. I had a dog before and he loved to eat sandwiches.
- Cesar calls himself “The Dog Whisperer” which is a pretty direct rip off of a book and movie called “The Horse Whisperer”. Besides the blatant rip-off, dogs need to be yelled at, not whispered at. Even they know that and will bite whisperers.
- He never re-trains really scary dogs like Pitbulls or Rottweilers. Only little suburban dogs. Besides that, they use camera tricks to make the dogs look bigger such as Cesar only being 4 feet 3 inches tall.
- He claims to be Mexican but does not have a real Mexican man’s mustache. He has a Backstreet Boys style mustache and beard. He also does not have Budweiser foam on his mustache, a dead giveaway that he is actually a Nicaraguan.
- He claims to be married to a woman but anybody with manicured facial hair like that dreams about construction workers eating bananas
- I don’t really have a #10 but these lists need to have 10 items so I asked my friend and Dog Expert Chris White and he said:
(4:05:07 PM) Chris White: he did a two month stretch for raping dogs in the mid 80’s.
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Posted in celebrity, humor, odd
Tagged with cesar milan, cesar millan, dog whisperer, dogs, gay, sucks, training
Tagged with cesar milan, cesar millan, dog whisperer, dogs, gay, sucks, training
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Mr. White with the nice assist. This show is absolutely useless. A puppy dies everytime a show of his airs.
it was really just the infomercial that drove me over the edge. i expect to wake up to old sitcoms or something, not this cockrocker. i pledged to ruin his good name this very day.
Great list – and it’s great serendipity that right now all my passwords are “lifesucks” – so how timely that my google alert for Cesar Millan would bring up your blog!
Joan
Thanks Joan. I see you have a dog blog. Do most dog folks dislike cesar millan?
haha that did make me laugh but im watching the dog whisperer as i type and in this episode he both got bitten and trained a rotweiler!
can you post a video of that episode?
Alpha my @$$ lets just see your toothy faangs….
Don’t be a hater. What could be more enjoyable, when I want the TV to display semi-nude females, than an under-educated, metrosexually groomed male with an affected accent attempting to sell me computer products I don’t need at ridiculously inflated prices?
He’s been bitten/snapped at a few times. Always by small dogs, though. Probably why you don’t see any truly aggressive large breeds on the show . . .
Dominance theory and pack structure have been scientifically disproven. Just bide your time, eventually one of those dogs will get so scared he’ll lose a few fingers.
You’re ignorant.
hahahah. the dog whisperer used be my hero, but as soon as i found out that he’s never freaking fed a sandwich to those poor dogs forced to work under incredibly hot camera lights….well, I’m done with him now.
wait…construction workers eating bananas?
You guys are mean. Hes helping people. Your all sadists.
This makes me laugh lol. You say he fakes the accent. YOu do realize he was born in Culiacán, Mexico, right? He lived in Mexico till he was 18 or 21 and jumped the border to America. HE KNEW NO ENGLISH.
And yes hes been bitten plenty of times. In fact a few days ago I saw him breaking a colley of its hate towards scissors and brushes and the thing starts gnawing on his hand to the point of bleeding. He handled the situation perfectly, not punishing it but kept a firm grip on its neck hide, showing the dog it wasnt the boss anymore, and after a minute or two it stopped.
He’s dealt with boxers, pitbulls, rottweilers and other large aggressive dogs plenty of times. Just most of the people that seek help have little brat dogs that are drama queens.
Now claiming they use trick photography? Thats just screaming for attention. As if the mustache thing wasnt bad enough. BTW the mustache and beard is called a goatee, smart one. Don’t be jealous that your too young to grow one. When you hit puberty you’ll start to get some peach fuzz.
10 reasons why you should get mauled by cesar milan
1:thats your stupidity for leaving the tv on while sleeping
2:Hes mexican believe it, deal with it, dont be a stereotype
3:they only have 1 hour not all day and his energy and the way he handles the dogs may be why
4:treat your dog like a human and id like to see how that works for you
5:of course feed your dog human food so he gets diarhea and begs you for food all the time what a wise idea…
6:yelling at a dog scares it and it shows weakness look at answer 4
7:thats why he has daddy the best pibull ever and trains alot of rotties as well…
8:again you stereotype WHO CARES
9:hes married to illusion…
10:biggest lie