10 Reasons Why I Want Cesar Millan To Get Mauled By A Dog
Tuesday, 02 Jun 2009
- Cesar Milan woke me up at 4 AM when I was sleeping on the couch last night with his dumb DVD training set infomercial.
- He speaks in that fake, affected Mexican accent that so many famous Mexicans speak in. He sounds like Felipe, Jack Tripper’s assistant chef from Three’s Company
- I’ve never seen him get bitten by a dog and this seems like either excellent luck or wizardry, and thus in his line of work he should get bit by a dog sometimes
- He says in his Spanish Eckhart Tolle voice “I teach humans to not think of a dog as a human— (wait for it)— but as a dog” and stupid white people with too much disposable income faint at this bit of advice.
- He never feeds the dogs sandwiches. I had a dog before and he loved to eat sandwiches.
- Cesar calls himself “The Dog Whisperer” which is a pretty direct rip off of a book and movie called “The Horse Whisperer”. Besides the blatant rip-off, dogs need to be yelled at, not whispered at. Even they know that and will bite whisperers.
- He never re-trains really scary dogs like Pitbulls or Rottweilers. Only little suburban dogs. Besides that, they use camera tricks to make the dogs look bigger such as Cesar only being 4 feet 3 inches tall.
- He claims to be Mexican but does not have a real Mexican man’s mustache. He has a Backstreet Boys style mustache and beard. He also does not have Budweiser foam on his mustache, a dead giveaway that he is actually a Nicaraguan.
- He claims to be married to a woman but anybody with manicured facial hair like that dreams about construction workers eating bananas
- I don’t really have a #10 but these lists need to have 10 items so I asked my friend and Dog Expert Chris White and he said:
(4:05:07 PM) Chris White: he did a two month stretch for raping dogs in the mid 80’s.
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Posted in celebrity, humor, odd
Tagged with cesar milan, cesar millan, dog whisperer, dogs, gay, sucks, training
Tagged with cesar milan, cesar millan, dog whisperer, dogs, gay, sucks, training
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Mr. White with the nice assist. This show is absolutely useless. A puppy dies everytime a show of his airs.
it was really just the infomercial that drove me over the edge. i expect to wake up to old sitcoms or something, not this cockrocker. i pledged to ruin his good name this very day.
Great list – and it’s great serendipity that right now all my passwords are “lifesucks” – so how timely that my google alert for Cesar Millan would bring up your blog!
Joan
Thanks Joan. I see you have a dog blog. Do most dog folks dislike cesar millan?
haha that did make me laugh but im watching the dog whisperer as i type and in this episode he both got bitten and trained a rotweiler!
can you post a video of that episode?
Alpha my @$$ lets just see your toothy faangs….
Don’t be a hater. What could be more enjoyable, when I want the TV to display semi-nude females, than an under-educated, metrosexually groomed male with an affected accent attempting to sell me computer products I don’t need at ridiculously inflated prices?
He’s been bitten/snapped at a few times. Always by small dogs, though. Probably why you don’t see any truly aggressive large breeds on the show . . .
Dominance theory and pack structure have been scientifically disproven. Just bide your time, eventually one of those dogs will get so scared he’ll lose a few fingers.
You’re ignorant.
hahahah. the dog whisperer used be my hero, but as soon as i found out that he’s never freaking fed a sandwich to those poor dogs forced to work under incredibly hot camera lights….well, I’m done with him now.
wait…construction workers eating bananas?