Title Adapted from the Spanish proverb: “Life is short, but wide”.

Christmas is just about over with. This mushy middle between Christmas and New Year’s has the potential to be unbearable; I don’t know what to do with myself:

Do I go back to work? Is Johnny Walker my friend? Why did all of my family move to Arizona? What do people in The Netherlands do for New Years? (A: Burn Christmas trees in bonfires and light off fireworks.)

Malls

I was at the mall here in Phoenix yesterday. Phoenix is a small city with big hopes. A not-very-complex (planned grid city, essentially) system of highways, aquaducts and shopping centers with lots of land in between. Land is peanuts-cheap. Everyone seems pretty happy here. Stuff doesn’t make you happy— and these people buy everything— but the idea that more stuff will eventually make you happy will indeed make you happy.

I read an article today titled “Christmas Is Not Commercial Enough” that wasn’t at all sarcastic.

Me writing that looks sarcastic.

Christmas

I don’t know the actual story behind Santa Claus or Christmas, but that’s not really important. Santa was probably made to better personify Jesus’ ideals: love, jollyness, kindness and generosity. Jesus is scary and you’re not supposed to bother people like that for presents. But people need presents.

At some point it stopped being a symbol of Christmas and Yuletide (I use that word having no clue what it means– really) and started being a symbol of a revolution: a prosperous nation showering gifts on everyone. Even poor people deserve gifts. They used to be called “needy”. Now “needy” means clingy which used to be called co-dependent in the 80’s; nobody says co-dependent anymore. I got lost.

Then Christmas became a symbol of familial financial freedom, kind of, then a symbol of, you know, not being a Jew or a Muslim or a democrat. It means whatever you want it to mean, now, as long as that thing is somehow fuzzily connected in your mind to Jesus or Santa or Rockwellesque imagery or, um Americanism, or whatever. Do you guys smoke pot?

I don’t think there’s any problem with Christmas.

Christmas Food

Ham and Turkey are great, but back in the 80’s (and also the early 90’s which people refer to as “the 80’s”) people, trying to spice things up some, would serve crabs and seafood and ducks and that kind of thing. We’ve returned to a simpler time.
Next year, Let’s go back to the crab and seafood and duck wild days of the 80’s eh?

New Years

Two words: managed expectations. New Years is never that great because you expect so much. It’s a new year. Years are a man-made concept. The dumber you are the larger the crowd you will require on New Years Eve. You will make up a resolution so that you can tell people, but otherwise no practical purpose. You look stupid in that hat.

But don’t beat yourself up about the holidays. Most pain is self-inflicted.

And try not to drink alcohol outside or drive after drinking alcohol—I know these are dumb rules but it’s in accordance with our government’s plan to further ruin your fun by beefing up the police force around the holidays. Kicking us while we’re down.

If you’ve ever tried to systematically abuse a partner, you’ll sympathize with the government’s position on this as you’ll know that this is not an easy task to undertake. It takes dedication, imagination and a superior sense of purpose.

Related posts:

1. Happy Holidays From Misanthropy Today
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