Misanthropy Today

my name is Skwerl. andy and i are coworkers and i run AntiQuiet.com. up there is a picture of me eating a piece of pizza; more on that in a minute.

So when i heard the news that domino’s was offering an unlimited topping pizza for a reasonable price, i was thoroughly excited. and inspired. unlimited! what an amazing word… what a challenge! at first i imagined a glorious pyramid of toppings on a strained slab of dough that wouldn’t fit in the stupid little conveyor belt ovens. how would they cook it? who cares, it’s their problem and that’s what they get for not thinking out their promotional strategies thoroughly!

then i started thinking about what the fucking thing would taste like, with anchovies and capers and every goddamn pepper known to man. how fun it would be to pass it around the office, like 2girls1cup, or a keg of uranium- to see who would be the first to puke.

then i had this amazing idea to (find an asian kid who could) calculate how many pizzas with unlimited toppings @ $10.99 one would have to purchase to put a franchise out of business, and then call and threaten to do it. infinity at $11 a pop can’t be a sustainable business model and it was up to us to teach them a lesson! i couldn’t fucking wait for the damn thing to get here. oh, what fun we would have.

boy, was i in for a rude awakening. after a day of waiting with baited breath, it got here… and holy shit was it a disappointing scene. first of all, the box was closed, which means no absurd pyramid of inedible garbage as i’d hoped. second, when the box was opened, i didn’t see a single dead fish. it looked basically normal. apparently domino’s has either discontinued- or never participated in- the alternative topping program.

apparently domino’s has no fucking sense of humor. i can picture a boardroom meeting where a dude in a suit points at some chart showing the percentage of double anchovy pizzas that were purchased purely as pranks vs. how many were actually purchased for legitimate consumption, weighing the trade-off, ultimately choosing to 86 the fish to save some pathetic number of dollars per year.

shame on you domino’s.

this pizza was delicious and a sensible promotional deal. like a responsible corporation, you have cleverly managed the boundaries of such a hyperbolic advertisment as “unlimited” and in doing so, you have stolen smiles off children everywhere, for your own relatively unambitious hunt for success and profit.

thanks for nothing assholes.

editors note: to our chagrin the consensus was that the pizza was delicious. rather than daring people to eat another slice everyone wanted to eat another on their own volition. epic fail. also skwerl’s ee cummings disregard for capitalization is sort of contagious. one more thing: the guy pictured below, we’ll call him “matt berman”, girlishly declined a slice of this epic pie:

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