American Apparel: Do Not Want
This morning I decided that American Apparel has had a long and successful run and it’s time to put a stop to it.
I’m hereby issuing a fatwa against American Apparel.
- You are not to wear these garments, especially if you are a male or over the age of 23.
- Your band or website is to stop bragging that OUR SHIRTS ARE AMERICAN APPAREL ! Henceforth, this statement will be only used as a joke to describe something unnecessarily gay. e.g. I think Bob’s Honda Civic was made by American Apparel.
- If you are wearing a piece of American Apparel’s Irony collection that looks like something from the 70’s or 80’s deduct 25 points from your overall score as a human. Also expect others to treat you as though you’re wearing nazi memorabilia.
What does the word APPAREL even mean? Type it 10 times and you’ll stare at it like it must be misspelled–but its not; it’s just that dumb.
Here is why American Apparel is against God:
- It’s soft sure, but very thin and shrinks
- The shirts aren’t complimentary to the figures of those pushing 30 who don’t eat carefully
- Because of its cute thinness, its impossible to keep it unwrinkled and you’ll walk around looking like Samuel Adams all the time and people will laugh at you
- Because of the shrinking and Samuel Adams problem, you will never wear the shirt unless you’re a flaming hipster who thinks looking like crap all the time makes people mistake them for a member of the band The Strokes, who also suck and their musical faggotry has also been noted and will be reviewed for future fatwas.
- Everyone thinks AA is great and will tell you with a perverse smirk that “it’s american apparel”. Next time someone says this to you, spill a cup of coffee on them. Then say sorry. Then do it again.
In addition to general ridicule and violence towards American Apparel wearers, please also write your congressman and suggest that American Apparel is giving our country a bad name and request that they be forced to change their trademark to Switzerland Apparel or some other country that really has it coming to them.
Peace be with you.
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Tom
This is your best work since the heath ledger cookie monster post
March 31st, 2008 at 8:46 amweddingwhirlwind
This is an awesome post. We love it!
March 31st, 2008 at 12:07 pmAndy Fox
it’s good to have you back Tom. I was worried.
March 31st, 2008 at 6:27 pmJeremy
You’re just mad because you have to wear collared shirts now and they don’t make any that fit your husky frame. That having been said, I don’t like that shit either.
March 31st, 2008 at 7:02 pmAhmad
Hey, I issue the fatwas around here not you! In this one case I will grant you a temporary fatwa issuance permit, which is only good for 72 hours. American Apparel is fatwa worthy not because of their new wave porn inspired ads or for their gratuitous use of the crotch shot, but for their adherence to making clothes that only people who weigh 60-160 lbs can wear.
April 1st, 2008 at 7:14 ambagel
i digg it
April 2nd, 2008 at 4:29 amDolly
The WORST thing about American Apparel is their completely incomprehensible business model - they ALWAYS discontinue the most popular colors and randomly don’t carry certain sizes and colors. I would have bought several hundred dollars worth of their stuff by now if they EVER had the color I wanted in the size I wanted, but apparently PROVIDING PRODUCTS PEOPLE WANT is too difficult a concept for their sales department to comprehend. It sucks, and they suck.
July 22nd, 2008 at 9:54 pmavisioncame
American Apparel is comfy n cool. But overpriced and played out for sure.
September 28th, 2008 at 9:23 am