Misanthropy Today

Tonight I was at work until 8:30 PM and wasn’t able to make some tentative dinner plans I had made over IM with a good friend who wore a dress to my birthday party.

I hate it when people I know breathlessly say “omigod i’ve been so busy lately”, as if this should let me know how important and overpaid they are.

It doesn’t.

Problem is that this kind of thing begins to seem like an actual conversation tool when I guarantee you it isn’t. I even catch myself doing it sometimes and I hate myself when I do it:

You start off like “oh my god i’ve been so busy lately with, uh, — work”.

You then have two options from here:

• Go into the boring details and characters of your job, which will completely bankrupt any idea others have of  you being important or well-employed.

Or:

• Make a joke about how your boss always makes you give him a HoJo before his big midweek golf game to calm him down. Man that fucker has stamina though! You could say, as you jokingly massage your bicep.

There are a few other things you should not say:

• God I really need to work out.  If you in fact are a worky-outy person you’re just making others feel bad and if you’re out of shape you’re just apologizing for being fat. Either way, keep your physical fitness needs to yourself.
• I’m going to the gym. That’s great, i’m going to watch TV. Regroup in 1 hour. I’ll forward all your calls to 24 Hour Fitness.
• I’m working out of the office today. What you mean to say is that you’re going to check your email every hour or so and masturbate at around the same time interval. Just tell the necessary people (Boss, HR if necessary) and pretend to everyone else that you’re WORKING IN THE OFFICE TODAY. Believe it or not we can’t tell the difference via phone or email.
• I Have An Out-Of-Town Business Trip Coming Up: Really? Are you flying on an airplane and staying in a Hotel? What with only travelling by Greyhound bus and sleeping in my Dad’s Vanagon on camping trips i’ve not done much travel, especially important business travel! Listen: you know who else travels for business? Carnies. You carnie.

A Few Things That Are Status Symbols:

Maseratis, 10 day vacations to tropical islands that don’t start with the letters “H-A-W”,  owning a big house (in a desirable neighborhood), not shopping at Target or Ikea or having to pretend that “their stuff is really cute” like you’re doing them a favor, black Amex’s, flying first class, having a gorgeous girlfriend when you’re unattractive, nice teeth.

One other thing: don’t do that fucking fake golf swing when you walk into my office and tell me about your weekend trip to Palm Springs with Marcie,  that perky blond UCLA grad you met at some “funny” theme party. Here’s why: when you swing a damn golf club you keep your eye on the ball rather than looking at your coworker while saying “….it should be sweeet bro”. Golf is all about muscle memory and fixing bad habits, bro.

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