Starbucks And Coldstone Creamery Have Stupid Names For Their Sizes
Before any other companies go and try to get cutesy with their sizes let me make something clear.
There are sizes for food and drinks that we all have agreed upon and make instant sense.
They are:
Small
Medium
Large
and if you must
Extra Large
Sometime in the 90’s some restaurants swapped out Small with Regular. This was probably to encourage customers to order the medium or large size. Certainly medium or large is easier to say than regular. Whereas ordering a small soda seems health conscious ordering a regular cola feels uptight.
Seriously, they bring in psychologists for this stuff.
So why did Starbucks decide on their ridiculous names?
Well let’s take a look:
Small= Tall
Medium= Grande
Large= Venti
Ok, remember that Starbucks is from Seattle, and I believe it was an actual Hippie Mom and Pop shop at some point, meaning that some marketing hack didn’t think these up.
So since hippies are usually stupid and stupid people think that if something is confusing nonsense it is interesting or smart, Tall is an appeal to that sensibility.
Like how simpletons get some sort of lame thrill out of knowing the “secret” menu items at In-N-Out Burgers.
Wait a second dude, your SMALL coffee is called TALL? Far out.
Next is Grande. Spanish for Large. Again, these hippies are being cute and also appropriating foreign words. But they can’t all be the same language.
In walks Venti, Twenty in Italian. Oh I get it! It’s 20 ounces!
Fuck you.
Today i’m at Coldstone (don’t ask me why, it just seemed like a good idea) and I see their sizes.
Follow along with me:
Small= Like It
Medium= Love It
Large= Gotta Have It
I was appalled. A customer in front of me ordered using these names, and seemed happy doing so. It was in the same way the In-N-Out customer is happy that In-N-Out hides fucking menu items from an imagined group of unhip hamburger eaters.
When it was my turn I ordered a small.
You know you can get a “Love It” for 70 cents more.
Thanks, I do see the value there but I just want a little bit, I said.
The (rather rotund) woman who ordered two “Gotta Have It” sizes (I literally cringe while writing that) looked at me like I was a fucking party pooper. Not Coldstone Creamery material.
Have some dignity people. Either point or call it by the agreed upon sizes mentioned earlier.
Thank you please.
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Janiel
Heh, I worked at a Cold Stone in my town for about a month. Seeing the way the simple-minded people’s eyes lit up when you told them the goofy size names was, well, weird. For some reason, if you make up a funny name for the size of whateverthehell you’re making them, they’re more compelled to purchase it. Sickening, I know.
… And don’t even get started on the singing for tips bullshit. v_v
September 28th, 2008 at 2:40 amJuanS
Hahaha! That was just hilarious.
September 28th, 2008 at 6:47 amBen
I flatly refuse to use these stupid names–when I go to starbucks (which isn’t often), I make a point of ordering by small/medium/large. The repeat back using the tall/grande/venti, and I confirm with small/medium/large. It’s funny, although my wife thinks I am increasing the likelihood of spit in my coffee.
September 28th, 2008 at 7:00 amannon
Well i hear what your saying, and it sounds like your full of it to be honest…
I think the modern coffee shop is trying to add a little something different, and entertaining at the same time…
its the name of a coffee size for goodness sake - not your mums name - get over it - if you hate it so much make your own coffee, and stop crying to the rest of us - your making a deal out of nothing.
September 28th, 2008 at 7:15 amjehan
agree’d, it’s funny when the manager gets upset at me for ordering a medium coffee. i think i do it on purpose, now…
September 28th, 2008 at 7:21 amciccio
Grande is an italian word with same meaning as well
September 28th, 2008 at 7:35 amKit Fox
…but the fact that you remember these size descriptions and associate them with these certain companies proves that their success… marketing is all about standing out
And do we really have to take everything so seriously? The company is having a little fun with its customers, big deal
September 28th, 2008 at 7:45 amavisioncame
Oh man this is terrific! I SO lol’d about the party pooper. You see, I equally hate human beings especially consumer Americans. But yeah, this kind of marketing and stupidity is the reason I totally quit going to school for graphic design, because I simply cannot stand this kind of shit. Every time I go to McDonald’s or some other shitty fast food restaurant, I see some horrible, cheesy slogan, and I just think about the graphic designer who has to create a poster with that idiotic rant on it.
September 28th, 2008 at 9:10 amLxjohn
I agree completely, and that was hilarious.
September 28th, 2008 at 9:14 amedgar
Whatever else, you certainly have your Gotta Have It-size portions of hostility that go nowhere. It’s a personal marketing scheme on par with any corporate ad out there. Hopefully, like the corporations, you are at least making some profit from your particular brand of hating.
September 28th, 2008 at 9:29 amjb
I work at pizzeria and our sizes are medium, large, and extra-large. its retarded. what really intrigues me is that most customers see this as normal and some even seem to intuitively know our ridiculous size structure even if they have never ordered before. I think this is an example of the consumer culture group-thinking us into removing the idea of ordering anything small.
September 28th, 2008 at 10:37 amdib
Starbucks original sizes were Short and Tall (small and large). Tall used to be the large one, which does make more sense. Next time you’re in there, ask to see a short cup, they still have them, you’ll see how small it looks compared to todays sizes. They were basically forced to make bigger sizes due to the American public wanting more and more.
September 28th, 2008 at 11:46 amsolicitor bulgaria
I m in total agreement with this. HATE those Cold Stone size names. Though, really, that pales in comparison to the singing.
September 28th, 2008 at 4:14 pmTom
whoah, hatin’ on starbucks naming conventions… so edgy
but yeah, coldstone needs to be stopped with this cutesy crap.
September 29th, 2008 at 12:26 amJason
“its the name of a coffee size for goodness sake - not your mums name - get over it - if you hate it so much make your own coffee, and stop crying to the rest of us - your making a deal out of nothing.”
Dear Annon
Perhaps you failed to notice that the name of this blog is misanthropy today. Based upon this fact you should expect cynical tirades about the everyday banalities of American life like the one above. Do us a favor, go order a five dollar venti-mochaccino and stop crying to the rest of us about your inability to appreciate comedic disdain.
October 1st, 2008 at 8:57 pmcarieeeeeee
lulz
October 7th, 2008 at 9:41 pmitsalljustaride
Agree. I don’t want to have a conversation with the staff for 10 minutes to figure out what a small size is. I order a small, you give me the smallest size you have, no cutesy crap. Burger King, etc, get on my nerves with their “medium, large, super-size” bull too. If you have 3 sizes, the smallest is “small” and the largest is “large”. Following the logic we arrive at the conclusion that the middle one is “medium”. Don’t obscure that fact by calling your small a “medium”. How is it a medium when it’s the smallest option?
October 9th, 2008 at 8:53 ampeo
http://www.10thousandpeople.com
October 22nd, 2008 at 9:01 amBe the first few small, medium, or large ten thousand person on one webpage.
swiss fucker
It’s even fuckin worse than you think…
It’s called Venti in Europe as well.. and that’s cool.. ‘cos that’s Italian for 20.. OK…. but the measure is 20 OUNCES !!
What the fuck is an OUNCE.. it used to be a weight of a solid object in the UK but even that’s disappeared.. in Europe liquids come in Litres and CentiLitres
Fuckin dumb fuckin starbuck fuckheads
October 22nd, 2008 at 1:27 pmandyfox1979
Yeah, you’d think they would call that size the “royale” or something over there in EuroDisneyland
October 22nd, 2008 at 2:01 pmMilander
I never even visit these places on basic principles. Support the corner store, the local butcher, the local veg shop, the corner cafe… do not go to these mass market food halls, it’s all shit, shit food, shit coffee, shit service and overpriced to boot.
November 6th, 2008 at 7:32 amalex
you forget one thing. Starbucks used to have “Short”. and that was there small. so it used to be
Small: short
Medium: tall
Large: grande
Extra Large: Venti
but then they just dropped the short. That is until recently, after the economy took a hit, they brought the short back!
November 10th, 2008 at 12:27 pmmizi
Hilarious post. Thank You!
December 19th, 2008 at 9:16 pmdominique
leave in-n-out-burger out of this, the rest? yes very accurate
December 22nd, 2008 at 4:39 pm