Misanthropy Today

Just ate one of those “volcano tacos” from the Bell.

One word: not good.

The humanity (what it means to be human) of being an American has little to do with freedom or liberty and much to do with how many ridiculous looking foods chain restaurants can trick you into eating. This has been going on my entire life.

In an effort to create new items and increase profits, Taco Bell unveil a new item once a month that feels more like some kind of bet between sinister Taco executives than an actual food item.

Greg, there’s no way people will eat a tortilla folded up with taco parts and nacho cheese inside of it.

They have a slogan that goes “think outside the bun” and I can almost hear their board room meetings, advertising and marketing hacks accusing each other of not thinking outside the bun.

I consider myself a man of refined tastes, yet when I saw the commercial for this red taco, I knew i’d eat one within the next month—it was fait accompli. I didn’t want to eat one, I just knew that I’d see the sign, be very hungry, and pull in and have one.

Today was that day.

First off, the taco shell is red, and I don’t mean like the color of those sun-dried tomato flavored wrap tortillas-red, I mean like Ronald McDonalds hair red.

Inside is like a regular Taco Bell taco but the meat has more spicy seasoning and then that orange nacho cheese. I was suprised that they put so much nacho cheese on this baby because it seems to make any other taco bell item very expensive and this Volcano Taco was only 79 cents.

Not only is this item spicy in a bad way, there isn’t enough lettuce to cool it down, so you use your soda. Spicy nacho cheese, meet and red shell mixed with pepsi doesn’t taste so good.

I began to think about how this item is for mass consumption and yet it’s at a spicy level that few people would find enjoyable. Why is there not a standardized scale for spiciness? If I didn’t have that Pepsi I would’ve been really upset at Taco Bell.

I was driving from Koreatown back to work in Santa Monica, cruising down 8th street, eating this volcano taco. I started thinking a lot about life. Why is it called “Taco Bell” ? I know at one point everything was called this or that -Bell. Packard Bell. Pacific Bell. Atlantic Bell. Bell Labs. etc.But if that’s not the reason, what a dumb name.

Will they ever make a bell shaped taco? How about a taco burger? (A chain in the Inland Empire called Baker’s has a Taco Burger, it’s pretty good) Would a taco burger be thinking inside the bun?

As i’m spilling this crap all over my shirt I begin asking myself if famous men in history would eat a volcano taco or a crunch wrap supreme. The answer was always no. Winston Churchill would not eat a Crunch Wrap Supreme.

All of this felt really undignified.

The problem is the cycle will continue, for me at least. But you can learn from me.

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