Misanthropy Today

After leaving  some great comments (look here and here) , I asked Roclawzi to contribute.

Here’s his first one– AF

There needs to be a few things understood if you are driving lately, especially at night.

1. Do not watch the movies in the backseat of the minivan.  I’m not an idiot, I don’t mean I don’t want the kiddies to be watching Nemo on the 6 hour drive, I mean the idiot who’s got some insane need to keep pace on the highway at 70 miles per hour so he can be in view of the rear window to see what movie it is.  They’re out there, you’ve probably seen them.  It’s not that important, let it go.

2. Again, with the rear facing DVD players…no porn.  I’m not kidding.  I’ve seen it three times.  I know that means I violated rule #1, but there are some things my peripheral vision will always pick up, and Jesse Jane’s chest is one of them.

3. If you drive a jacked up SUV and you have Xenon headlights, I’m going to throw 45 cents in pennies up in the air when you’re behind me.  Xenon headlights are wonderful, they are far brighter and make it a lot easier to drive at night, but when I’m sitting in my car and my head is about 4 feet above the ground, a pair of Xenon headlights aimed straight ahead in an SUV is painful.  I think I’m dying.  All I can think of going into the light and seeing all my old dogs.  Stop it, you’re killing me.  And I keep plenty of change handy.  Yeah, it’s criminal, but as far as I’m concerned, if you’ve set up your car to blind me, I can throw pennies.

4. If I am 10-15 miles over the speed limit in the left lane, that’s good enough for me.  Tailgating me or flashing your lights only makes me slow down.  My personal best is 35 in a 65 before the guy gave up and passed me.  Gave me the finger as he passed.  I still talk about it in therapy.

5. The size of your tailpipe is directly correlated to the size of your rectum.  If you’re driving a 1995 Honda Civic with a 3 inch wide tailpipe that makes your car sound like the bathroom at a mexican restaurant on lightly cooked pork day, you’re a pathetic attention hungry man whore.  I say man because a woman wouldn’t drive a car like that because it would drown out the cell phone.

6. Ah yes, Cell Phones!!  I don’t care if you have a hands free device or not, though it’s the law in most places now, just as long as you can do two things at once.  Oh, and one of them has to be driving.  I’ve accepted long ago that no one gives 100% attention to the road except in moments of high crisis (torrential rains, icy roads, heavy snow, 45 cents, etc etc) but I would like, nay DEMAND at least 10%.  Unless your exit is coming up, then it has to be 20%.

7. YOUR EXIT!  I don’t care how freaking far you have to backtrack if you miss your exit.  Do not ever expect me to slam on the breaks because it snuck up on you.  I’ve missed my exit before, I got the next one.  Just tell Tom Tom that you screwed up and he’ll move you the rest of the way.  I don’t have a navigational buddy in my car, but if you’re paying so little attention that you regularly miss your exit, I think it’s time to invest in one.

8. Back to the cell phones.  If it’s nighttime and you’re driving along and I see your face aimed around your crotch and softly lit by an LCD screen, I know you’re texting.  It’s not legal to hunt these people, but it should be.  I nearly got that tacked onto the bailout bill but they suddenly realized that I wasn’t a senator and booted me out.

9. EZ Pass is a wonderful thing.  It’s no more expensive than paying tolls in case and it’s far faster.  Get one.  And if you refuse to get one, let me make something 100% god damn clear to you: The EZ Pass lanes do NOT exist for you to jump ahead of the line of 30 cars trying to pay cash.  Don’t clog up my EZ Pass lanes at the tolls with your Escalade at a 45% angle and pretend in some way it’s my fault that they aren’t letting you in.  Maybe it’s because I’m in New Jersey, as George Carlin (RIP you magnificent bastard) put it, the toll booth capital of the world, but I see this every freaking time.  I don’t get bothered when someone is in the exact change and has to move over to a manned tool booth because what they though was 70 cents was a dime, a penny, a subway token, and a Canadian quarter, but stay out of my EZ Pass!

10. And Lastly, but not really lastly, but I like things in groups of 10…free advice.  When the snow is coming and you don’t want to park in front of your own house because the snow plows won’t clear your curb…don’t park in front of my house.  Because while your snow is made of pure crystals of frozen water bound together in fantastic tiny shapes, the snow that falls around cars in front of my house is made, in part, of roofing nails.

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