Misanthropy Today

everyone’s a critic and most people are djs.

The Hold Steady “Most People Are DJs”

Like Eskimos have 7 words for snow, because it’s necessary,  I think we Americans need to have 7 words for what level of DJ everyone is. I’m too confused otherwise

I once dated a girl who thought that DJs were the coolest thing ever. DJs usually equal electronic music to women, and I guess theres some innate sexuality in electronic music, and even if there’s not you don’t need to bring much to the table to enjoy electronic music. Think of the music that children’s toys make (jack in the box, etc) and add a few more layers– drums, keys, maybe some intermittent slice of vocals saying something weird or vague. Do you think you’re better off alone?

My friend Wiley said he went to Amoeba Records once to see Sonic Youth singer Thurston Moore “DJ” and all he did was play records while hundreds of hipsters looked on, standing still. Not like mixed together records or danced or whatever— just stood there and played records. Awesome.

I’ve blogged previously about people who lack personality or identity, usually yuppies (DJing equipment is expensive for someone who isn’t a professional DJ) pushing 30 or 35 who take up DJing. Santa Monica’s dance clubs are filled with 30ish middle classed unmarried ladies who subscribe to BPM magazine and think that  Paul Van Dyk is a genius.  Since i’m a guy and I avoid douchebags I haven’t met many guys like that, but I know they exist. I can sense it.

Let’s ‘Break Down’ The Different Types Of DJs:

DJ 1: You Have An Ipod and have used the playlist feature

DJ 2:  You Have A CD Burner and make mixed CDs, often times giving them to friends and sexual partners

DJ 3: You Have Managed the Ipod/CD player/Record Player at a party or social gathering on at least one occasion. You sort of like to do it since everyone else has crap taste.

DJ 4: You Own A Record Player. This necessitates you being a DJ since songs/albums must be changed manually (I fall into this category). You think you have superior taste in music. You approach other record player owners with a healthy measure of suspicion.

DJ 5: You Own Technics Turntables and a stand and have several crates of records and some casual apparel that lets other interested parties know you’re a DJ. You probably have a kangol hat or a straw fedora like most other douchebags. You have only DJ’d at friends birthday parties or for 15 minutes at a bar and acted like you were reluctant about “spinning” (you call it “spinning” also) when in fact you lugged 600lbs of equipment to the event, reluctantly. You may also DJ via an Apple Computer. You dance like a prick. You are the worst of the 7 types of DJ. Your job has nothing to do with DJing. You drive an Audi or a GTI.

DJ 6: You Are A DJ For Hire At Weddings/ Parties/Etc. You used to be similar to DJ 4 or DJ 5 but now it’s just a job. You get paid decently for it and you get to fuck drunk bridesmaids. You probably bartend on the weeknights. Life is good. You are a necessary evil and this kind of DJing is forgivable.

DJ 7: You Are A Professional DJ. Meaning people who like electronic music have heard of you. You get paid tens of thousands of dollars to “spin” (there’s that fucking word again!) one night in Ibiza and Barcelona. You are partly to blame for every soulless DJ wannabe, but its forgivable I guess. Don’t get me wrong, you still suck and you play glorified ice cream truck music but at least I know you live in Europe or NYC and I won’t ever have to run into you.

Thanks– I needed that.

Here’s that Hold Steady song in a video and here’s the lyrics:

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