25 Things About China
Thursday, 12 Nov 2009
You might know that i’m living and working in China now.
I’m sorta blogging at My Red China.
You can find a lot to dislike about pretty much anything and China is no exception.
Here are some things about China (Shenzhen in particular):
- I have not had any amazing cultural-spiritual awakening or enlightenment and probably won’t. I haven’t stood on any mountain tops and looked across the countryside or shared an intimate meal with a traditional chinese girl.
- Mandarin is really difficult to learn and absorb. Unlike TV shows where in a stressful situation you can suddenly speak fluently after being immersed, i’m more confused after being immersed and in stressful situations. Sometimes when I can’t understand what someone is saying they grab a pencil and write the chinese characters. Ah, that’s helpful.
- Like you look at those videos with the nerdy bespectacled black guy with the 14 inch cock plowing trashy looking Floridian broads, Chinese people look at me with curiousity, confusion and disgust.
- Chinese people drink hot water with meals. Sometimes tea but always that hot water.
- They do eat dogs, snakes, turtles, cats, etc. You will see these things in cages and tanks in front of restaurants. Can you imagine being a chef and having to kill an innocent cat for somebody else to eat? (I hear cats taste like an ocean of flavors in your mouth)
- The pecking order on the streets and highways goes like this: police trucks, police cars, big trucks, small trucks, fancy cars, big cars, small cars, motorcycles, scooters, pedestrians pulling a cart, pedestrians. Basically if you are to the right of motorcycles everyone is your daddy and you need to move out of their way. They look at you like “fuck you, you’re driving pants and a shirt, i’m driving a big metal truck full of lettuce”.
- Most ex-pats are shitheads, sketchy or are so in love with the culture that they don’t like people from their country anymore.
- Oftentimes your place setting (silverware, bowl, cup, plate, etc) will be wrapped in plastic. There is also a pot filled with boiling hot water. Chinese peopl do not trust the plastic and will wash the plates and such with the boiling water to make sure its extra clean. Then they’ll eat one of the fish or turtles that have been soaking in a filthy tub out front all night.
- Pretty much anything that starts with “I’ve heard that in China…. ” is true and about twice as bad, cheap, easy or good as you think it is.
- Do they really have happy ending massage places in China? Not only do they have them but they’re on every block. Usually attached to a regular foot massage place (upstairs or whatever). Look for the number 68, it’s the cost of such a massage and is sort of “code” for that type of thing. If you don’t want that type of massage you’ll have to tell them 1 or 10 times.
- The government is either very good at staying hidden or just doesn’t really care. Other than bored policemen texting or sleeping I never see any kind of police activity. There is no communism in china nor is there really any political beliefs about anything.
- You will get a lot of attention from people. If you’re an average looking person in the US you’ll appreciate the attention but eventually get tired of it.
- The food in China is not delicious but there is delicious food to eat, there’s just also so many not good options that are like this gauntlet of mirrors made to confuse you. Often times you’ll see something that looks like something you like, but it will taste either like nothing, oyster sauce or too healthy. If you ask a chinese person what their favorite kind of food is 99.9% of them will say “Chinese food!”
- One thing I like to do is grab a beer at 7-11 or Polison and walk around with it and gauge how far it takes to get somewhere by how many 40′s of Tsingtao I drink on the walk. Oh that place? It’s like 1.5 40′s away.
- Engrish is everywhere. It becomes normal and not that funny after awhile since you realize you can’t read more than a single character of their language, which is one syllable, and yet you expect them to write perfect copy. Ok, maybe its not that reason it’s just that after awhile the same thing over and over becomes less funny.
- Tipping is frowned on by the government but if you want your room clean or good service you should tip a little.
- Medicine does not require a prescription but it might require that you can read chinese or engrish versions of medicine names.
- Despite what people say, most people speak Mandarin. The word for Mandarin in Mandarin (weird concept) is Gu?nhuà and although wikipedia says it means Speech Of Officials, I think it actually means “The Common Language”. People who speak Cantonese also speak Mandarin but people who speak Mandarin often don’t speak Cantonese.
- A ride on a taxi bike costs 5 Yuan for a short ride and 10 Yuan for a long ride. Don’t pay more.
- Most 7-11′s don’t have slurpees. They do however have slurpee cups that you can buy (?) to use at a 7-11 that does have slurpees. They think this is totally normal.
- You will not get killed for using or possessing illegal drugs in China if you’re a foreigner. Not that it’s a great idea to use drugs in a foreign country (or domestically) but you won’t get the death penalty. There are a lot of Foreigners living in China. A lot of traveler ex-pat types use drugs recreationally. When’s the last time you heard of someone getting popped for drugs in China? See. You will however be quietly and quickly deported.
- If you plan on moving to China have your company or a friend arrange for a vigilant Chinese person to help you shop for cell phone, apartment, etc etc. You will still get ripped off but less so.
- Many Chinese people’s breath and body will smell a little different to you. Probably us to them. It’s because they eat weird stuff and we eat weird stuff in their opinion. Seriously, when a chinese person says they don’t like hamburgers I assume they are just being nationalistic but really I think most do not like them.
- The green Gatorade is lime, but with tea flavor too. They are so pushy with that tea.
- If you’re at the supermarket and happen to drop a 1 yuan coin at the same time another, older, Chinese-Don Rickles looking guy thinks he dropped a 1 yuan coint, and you go to grab the coin and he grabs the same coin, and you are both holding this coin with your thumb and pointer finger, and people are saying words loudly, and he’s saying words loudly, and you’re looking at the people— and him, and trying to explain that you know “for a fact” that it’s your 1 yuan coin— anyway, if this happens just let the 1 yuan coin go.
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“fuck you, you’re driving pants and a shirt, i’m driving a big metal truck full of lettuce”.
gotta say you are a funny dude keep it up
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u fuckin asshole.
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“Seriously, when a chinese person says they don’t like hamburgers I assume they are just being nationalistic but really I think most do not like them.”
Really?! I don’t think i’ve met a person here, in Harbin or Beijing, at least that doesn’t like hamburgers.
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they must be more open minded up there. shenzhen does have a lot of people from the countryside though… maybe its too different for them just yet. kids seem to love them though.
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Good stuff and great tips. This shit is fucking hilarious and if I ever make it over there you can bet your ass I’ll take these tips to heart….
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[...] 25 Things About China — Great no-nonsense view from a funny blogger. [...]
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