A Simple Guide For Decoding The Language Of Perpetually Single Women
1. Most Of My Friends Are Guys 
I’ve remained friends with many men that i’ve slept with and also keep several “hopefulls” around who I don’t find attractive in one way or another but probably will once you and I break up. You’ll rest easy dating me knowing that you’ve probably met the guy I’ll sleep with 4 days after we break up.
2. I Don’t Get Along With Other Women; Women Are So Catty
Ibid.
3. I Want My Boyfriend To Be My Best Friend
I don’t have any friends. I’m looking to hit two birds with one beaver.
4. I Haven’t Had A Serious Relationship In A Long Time
But i’ve sure had a lot of one night stands during that period.
5. My Ex Boyfriend Was A Psycho/Stalker
He got really mad when he found out that I was cheating on him.
6. I Haven’t Had Sex In Like A Year
I haven’t had sex in a week, which is very much ‘like a year’ in that it contains days and minutes and stuff.
7. I Don’t Like Guys Who Are Clingy
I’m clingy enough for both of us.
8. Sometimes I Like To Go Out And Other Times I Just Like To Stay In
Unlike the rest of the world that is filled with binary “out all the time” and “inside all the time” people, I am versatile. ed: This appears on every girls Myspace page or Match.com ad. The retardedness of it is breathtaking and it must mean to say that they go out a lot cruising for beef but will cease being fun and outgoing once they’ve landed some schmuck.
9. I’ve Been Hurt Alot Before By Men
By hurt I mean “not called back after sex”. By saying this up front i’m hoping that you will be more considerate when in reality it’s probably more the opposite. Ed: whenever I’ve heard this I suddenly think of a dozen guys before me tossing this one out like a day-old newspaper. It’s insulting.
10. My Ex-Boyfriend And I Have A Lot Of History
I sleep with my ex-boyfriend regularly.
11. I Love Dancing
I love attention from douchebags at nightclubs.
12. Chemistry Is Very Important To Me
No, I don’t mean the science of matter composition and chemical reactions, I regard that as bullshit pretty much. What I mean is that physical attraction is of utmost importance to me because I have a lousy personality and can’t connect on any other level whatsoever. But calling physical attraction “chemistry” makes me sound intelligent. Also, I love dancing.
13. I Don’t Need A Man
I’ve pretty much come to terms with the idea that finding a steady boyfriend isn’t really in the cards for me.
14. My Dog Is My Child
If I could get a man to give me head by smearing peanut butter on my pussy, then maybe I would consider having a boyfriend.
15. I Need To Focus On My Career
I can’t have some boyfriend being all suspicious every time i have to fuck my way through the glass ceiling
CONTEST!
I’m giving away a three month free subscription to Match.com for whoever can come up with the best #16.
If you’re not single, then i’ll give you a subscription to any other comparably priced web-subscription service of your choice for you to do coupley things like netflix or coffee-of-the-month club or some other faggotry.
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# 16: I LOVE music!!!
Wow sweetheart, no shit? You must be one of the 8 people on earth that love music. The rest of us hate that shit.
#17: I’m a people person
Hmm. Dale Carnegie and Anthony Robbins should be worried that you’ll take over their jobs.
#18: My friends/family are the most important thing to me
Your 2.5 friends who have pictures of their cats on their myspace page and your half-sister who is in rehab? Sure, I’d like to play second fiddle to them.
Jorge,
Amazing. I totally forgot the I love my family/friends line. The best is when its on a myspace page:
I LOVE MY FRIENDS!!!!&&&&&
Thats like saying:
I DRIVE MY CAR!!!&&&
or
I EAT FOOD!!!!
Thanks Jorge, I think you may have won…
Oh my god your a legend hahaha
this is so true!
I’ve been/heard/experienced those situations so much its really nice reading over this and seeing I am not alone.
#16. I dont like to make plans
meaning: I am either sleeping with several guys any of which may pop over at any minute
- or –
I may meet a guy I want to cornhole me and will not answer your calls “where are you?” while I am being fucked.
#16. I want someone to take care of me
The only way i can feel good about myslef is by starting shit and having two men fight over me
DO I LOOK FAT IN THIS?
i know i look fat in this, it is too tight and obviously too small for me. i have gained some weight but i am in complete denial about it. what i want is someone else to tell me i look fat so i can take out anger on them that should be directed at myself.
#16.) I’m a huge flirt … I hope that doesn’t bother you!?
I fuck on the first date, and will continue shopping for penis even if we become serious!
Brilliant. Maybe you could officially change the site’s name to misogynytoday.com? A redirect maybe?
16. Guys are intimidated by strong, independent women
Maybe you’re just bossy. On top of that, you’re ugly, which makes you a double-whammy.
#16 Never Ever ask me what I want. Just do it.
i’m about to pick a winner. few more submissions pls. so far these have been great
#16. I’m not the jealous type…
If you look at another bitch, I’ll cut you!
#16. I don’t believe in relationships
wtf??? I’ve heard this one from “feminists” who are just bitchy so I interpret it as: I can’t be in a relationship since I am not capable of giving, all I want is someone to adore me, someone who I can control and someone who will buy my bullshit= doormat.
#17. I want someone to complete me
I am half a person. I am a moron. I don’t have a life.
#18. All guys are assholes
It takes one to know one. I may be really nice but I always fall for the guy that will treat me like shit because of the way I feel about myself.
#19. I don’t play games
I don’t know how to play the real game so I am looking for someone who will play MY game. I don’t really have any social skills and I hate fun.
#20. All of the good ones are taken
Just because you socialize with idiots doesn’t mean that there aren’t any left. Get a life, do things you enjoy and you’ll meet a “good one.”
#21. All men want is sex
Duh. All you want is sex too.
#22. It’s hard to meet men
(refer to #20)
#23. I don’t have time to meet men (with add ons like: I work all the time)
Ok. work is your priority. When you are ready to meet someone, you will.
#24. I want to meet a guy through friends
When you become more open minded and explore other options, you will meet someone.
#25. I want a guy with money
I don’t have a lot going for me and need a guy to fulfill all of my needs with his cash. I’ll cheat on him later with some hot dude that I bought… with your money.
Nice work. Keep em coming, since this is to fill in #16, i’ll accept submissions until 9-16-08.
Also, even if you dont have one to add, you can vote on one. The comments are numbered.
1 vote for Jorge’s numero 18.
I have to disagree with his #16 though; girls who utter brainless epithets like “I love music” get to be prom queen or head cheerleader, knocked up before they get out of middle school, and marry for money.
Another one: Usually coming from an “older” woman (depending on her p.o.v., this could be anywhere from 25 to 50): “Guys have it easier; while being a bachelor is socially acceptable, women are ostracized for being old maids.”
[...] line that marriage will ruin your life– I guess I can see that, but I also see how being perpetually single can be a life ruiner [...]
[...] talk about how “their friends/family are the most important thing to them”. In the words of my loyal reader Horhay: Yeah your 2.5 friends who have pictures of their cats on their myspace page and your half-sister [...]
I love this shit. It’s the only thing that makes me laugh at the moment. Thanks.
SUMDAY AFTER I GET KNOKEDUP AND WAIT TO LONG TO GET MY MOUNTHLY ABORTION. I REALLY WANT TO HAVE KIDS. I THINK I’LL MAKE THE BEST MOTHER. I WON’T BE ABLE PARENT OR PASS ON ANY SKILL BUT SCREEMING. BECAUSE EVERY ONE KNOWS, YOU CAN RESON WITH CHILDREN. IF U ARGUE LONG ENOUH…