American Apparel: Do Not Want
Monday, 31 Mar 2008
This morning I decided that American Apparel has had a long and successful run and it’s time to put a stop to it.
I’m hereby issuing a fatwa against American Apparel.
- You are not to wear these garments, especially if you are a male or over the age of 23.
- Your band or website is to stop bragging that OUR SHIRTS ARE AMERICAN APPAREL ! Henceforth, this statement will be only used as a joke to describe something unnecessarily gay. e.g. I think Bob’s Honda Civic was made by American Apparel.
- If you are wearing a piece of American Apparel’s Irony collection that looks like something from the 70’s or 80’s deduct 25 points from your overall score as a human. Also expect others to treat you as though you’re wearing nazi memorabilia.
What does the word APPAREL even mean? Type it 10 times and you’ll stare at it like it must be misspelled–but its not; it’s just that dumb.
Here is why American Apparel is against God:
- It’s soft sure, but very thin and shrinks
- The shirts aren’t complimentary to the figures of those pushing 30 who don’t eat carefully
- Because of its cute thinness, its impossible to keep it unwrinkled and you’ll walk around looking like Samuel Adams all the time and people will laugh at you
- Because of the shrinking and Samuel Adams problem, you will never wear the shirt unless you’re a flaming hipster who thinks looking like crap all the time makes people mistake them for a member of the band The Strokes, who also suck and their musical faggotry has also been noted and will be reviewed for future fatwas.
- Everyone thinks AA is great and will tell you with a perverse smirk that “it’s american apparel”. Next time someone says this to you, spill a cup of coffee on them. Then say sorry. Then do it again.
In addition to general ridicule and violence towards American Apparel wearers, please also write your congressman and suggest that American Apparel is giving our country a bad name and request that they be forced to change their trademark to Switzerland Apparel or some other country that really has it coming to them.
Peace be with you.
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Posted in humor
Tagged with american apparel, band t shirts, boycott, faggotry, fatwa, samuel adams, shrink, sucks, the strokes, thin, wrinkly
Tagged with american apparel, band t shirts, boycott, faggotry, fatwa, samuel adams, shrink, sucks, the strokes, thin, wrinkly
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This is your best work since the heath ledger cookie monster post
This is an awesome post. We love it!
it’s good to have you back Tom. I was worried.
You’re just mad because you have to wear collared shirts now and they don’t make any that fit your husky frame. That having been said, I don’t like that shit either.
Hey, I issue the fatwas around here not you! In this one case I will grant you a temporary fatwa issuance permit, which is only good for 72 hours. American Apparel is fatwa worthy not because of their new wave porn inspired ads or for their gratuitous use of the crotch shot, but for their adherence to making clothes that only people who weigh 60-160 lbs can wear.
i digg it
The WORST thing about American Apparel is their completely incomprehensible business model – they ALWAYS discontinue the most popular colors and randomly don’t carry certain sizes and colors. I would have bought several hundred dollars worth of their stuff by now if they EVER had the color I wanted in the size I wanted, but apparently PROVIDING PRODUCTS PEOPLE WANT is too difficult a concept for their sales department to comprehend. It sucks, and they suck.
American Apparel is comfy n cool. But overpriced and played out for sure.
okay, then just buy your cheap plain tshirts and forever 21, the gap, and urban outfitters…that way the factory slaves in china can continue making 40 cents a day. no wonder america is in such a state, its because of people like you. stupid fucks.
oh yeah, and youre probably fat. go fucking excercise, then you will have earned the right to wear american made materials.
say what you want about american apparel, but I would gladly swap places with any of the articles of clothing in the pictures in this article in this tab in this window in t… shit, I just want to be inside of that.
anyways.
“Everyone thinks AA is great and will tell you with a perverse smirk that “it’s american apparel”. Next time someone says this to you, spill a cup of coffee on them. Then say sorry. Then do it again.”
you should be proud of these perverted cheshire gents, do you realize how hard it is to rock a hard on in AA clothing? harder than richard simmons at an AA runway show.
“Here is why American Apparel is against God:
* It’s soft sure, but very thin and shrinks”
so I suppose that winona ryder is against god too? since when did pillaging the rich to give to the richer make someone against god?
please don’t answer that, I hate it when people look dumb.
that’s why this article rocks so much.
thanks andy, you helped me find my virginity again.
ha ha.
not to mention, they have perverse adds that totally disrespect women. and can i add that you have to be a size 00 to look good in any of that overly stretchy curve hugging crap. not very healthy for anyones body image. they may be american but they sure dont have the rest of their morals straight.
Funny stuff! Just like the funny shirts on http://www.cafepress.com/engrishshirts