Bathroom Romance

By Carl Mayer

Every one knows that women all receive their period at the exact same time during the vernal equinox at the stroke of midnight. It’s a creepy scientific fact, or maybe the 11th plague. Either way it’s fucking gross. It’s a damn good time to go camping. Anyway, during this time women don’t like to have sex, nor do they feel particularly romantic because of bloating or something – this fact puts millions of romance authors out of their nominal positions as smut peddlers for soccer moms. The question is, where do they all go? Well I think I may have stumbled upon the answer while I was…. hanging out in the bathroom reading the back of a shaving cream can only to find the following enticements:

1) The restorative power of a deep treatment…

2)Soft and smooth and totally touchable all day…

3)Captured with ease…

4)Penetrates to the center…

5)Wraps the service…

6)Lubricates even the toughest beard…

7)Use gentle strokes to avoid irritation…

Needless to say, it was getting hot in there. When I was finally released from the hypnotic spell the can held on me by my dog scratching at the door to use the bathroom, I found I was naked. Who the hell took off my fucking clothes? How embarrassing! Of course it is of no help that my day to day actions are usually narrated by a sultry female voice – but still – standing there with my dog scratching at the door, naked, with a can of shaving cream in my hand was not a proud moment. I thought to myself – is this what sexual predators do? “No, they don’t, they fuck little boys”, I said to myself. This is something different.

Well, anyway, the work ethic of the above mentioned characters is daunting to say the least. Instead of collecting unemployment, they go out there and sexify our lavatory accoutrement.

I can’t allow myself to be seduced by such base sexual enticements. Shaving, from now on, is totally out of the question. But for you sick X game types who enjoy such dangerous activities as base jumping, and jerking off while wielding a razor blade, I guess its ok, and because it’s ok, it is my duty as a pioneer of sorts, to update the sacred hierarchical, super secret list of manly spank fodder.

1) XXX porn

2) xxx porn

3) Rated R soft core

4) HBO

5) MTV beach house/ spring break episodes

6) Victoria Secret

7) Frederick’s of Hollywood

8) Sears underwear catalog

9) Descriptive labels on bathroom products

Sure its pathetic, but its good to have choices when you’re in a jam. Personally, I would rather buy a hooker than let Barbasol ‘the beard buster’ turn me on, but to each is own ya sick fuck.

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