Dear Future Employer: How To Write An Effective Cover Letter

A cover letter, by Tom Oatmeal. Land the job of your dreams using Tom’s Simple Style –AF

Dear Future Employer,

I can’t remember exactly what the job is that I’m applying for, but I know I’d be great at it. Throughout my professional years I’ve established a fairly respectful social and professional reputation. Although, when I say “fairly” respectful, that’s like saying Martin Luther King Jr. was “fairly” interested in Civil Rights. Anyways, I’ve attached a resume along with this cover letter that describes some reasons why I’d be a perfect fit at your company…whatever it’s called. Enjoy!

1. Really expensive restaurants will let me come inside without a reservation even though I’m admittedly only there to poop in their restroom and then leave. When I’m done, about 98% of the restaurants will validate my parking and wish me well. When I get inside my luxury Sedan I can feel the envious stares pressing firmly against me like a police officer’s hand against a rioter’s chest (not mine). I then pull out my cell phone and scream ferociously into it so that people watching me think that I’m berating some less important business associate even though I’m really just ordering Thai Food.

2. I will purposely botch opportunities to connect with those of a lesser social status than myself. Sometimes, I’ll pull my penis through the fly of my expensive trousers and then I will go up to the cashier at Starbuck’s and say something like, “Hey, I’ll bet you guys get a lot of stupid, high maintenance idiots in this place!” On my way out, I’ll eavesdrop by the bathroom and snicker as the cashier pats himself on the back for pointing out to his coworkers the irony of a man labeling people “idiots” while at the same time unknowingly having his genitals exposed. “He don’t know me!” I’ll think to myself in a overly-defensive tone similar to what guests use on those rowdy daytime television programs.

3. I will guzzle caffeine at my job and work ferociously; shuffling papers while screaming into my phone. I’ll throw out cliché phrases like, “I work hard and play hard” to describe my even mix of intellectual and social talents. To keep morale up, I will use cheap and entirely inaccurate descriptions like “rock star” to describe those possessing an above and beyond work ethic. That will make them feel optimistic about their surrender to “the man” rather than suicidal like their coworkers past the age of 30. “I too am a rock star,” I’ll constantly tell myself while pinching my testicles through my pants to keep my mind distracted from the fact that the only real “rock star” moment of my day is during my lunch break, when I go into the parking garage to shoot heroin and wonder why it burns when I urinate.

4. At least once a week I make a note to write a long winded, yet humble email response to some type of fictional praise that I am the recipient of. I will then “accidentally” send that email to everyone in the company followed immediately after by another email apologizing for accidentally emailing them with such pointless matters. “Certainly I don’t NEED a gold statue made of myself for saving a bunch of dumb kids from drowning,” I’ll be sure to add. When I’m certain that everyone has left for the evening, I’ll sprinkle salt on my computer monitor so that when my lips touch the screen containing the various Warcraft characters, it will taste as though I’m making contact with real human flesh.

5. I like to highlight the distance between myself and my office subordinates by showing up to their dinner parties uninvited. Even though I’m in my twenties and sexually active, I’ll wear Dockers, brown loafers with tassels, and a blue polo shirt tucked neatly into my pants, exposing the braided belt that I am also wearing. I will talk too loud and eat and drink way too much. I will describe every food item as “tasting like heaven” and will then insist that my fictional wife “Connie” just HAS to get the recipe. As I continue drinking, I’ll begin demanding recipes for non-food items such as the ceiling tiles and the rubber buttons used in the remote control. I will then begin to rave for hours about “Connie’s” world famous potato salad. Once the party seems to be dying down, I will keep it going by eating a bunch of hallucinogenic drugs and then trying to have sex with something intangible, like one of the other guest’s opinion on International Trade Policies.

Please call ahead so I can be sure an interview will fit into my busy schedule.

Thanks!

Tom Oatmeal

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on “Dear Future Employer: How To Write An Effective Cover Letter
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