Fat Girl Infomercial
This was submitted by a fella named Carl Mayer. It’s pretty hilarious. Please welcome Carl. — AF
I can’t recall the name of this stupid little device, but it is supposed to remove up to six inches from a female’s waste line. Ostensibly, it is a tourniquet for your torso that squeezes the crap (Literally) out of your guts…. it may have been called the shaper… not sure. The question in my mind is, as a male, if confronted with such barbarity in the bedroom donned by a lying bitch, what do you do? While I would pull out my gun and force that fat lying whore off the premises, some of you will choose to persist in your goal for carnal pleasure because let’s face it–the club is far away, you’re drunk, and it was hard enough sneaking this chick into your parents house in the first place.
You worked hard for the pussy, and you’re not giving up – you are a trooper. Congratulations on being one of very few people in this world that can trigger my gag reflex with out sticking things down my throat (not dicks). So you made the decision to say fuck the gold, I’ll take whoever was in the race. Fine. Here are some tips to get past the gut squeezing gadget:
my backpack is small and dainty.
Now unless you have one of the those nifty machines that separate tires from rims as they have in most mechanic shops, you will need a couple more beers to keep your buzz up through this amazingly difficult process. You might also want a pair of safety goggles to protect you from flack, and a lead vest to protect you from radiation exposure that I’m sure must accompany a release of energy of that magnitude. Finally you will need to download a set of instructions from the company’s web site. I’m already on the FBI list, and because these instructions resemble those to disarm a nuke, I can’t be bothered posting that shit here. We all know how hasty the FBI is. Plus, they’re fucking gross, and I have a respectable reputation to uphold. I read up to step 38 before puking on my apple jacks (I like to challenge myself), and I can tell you that removing a tattoo with a spork would be easier.
If you have made it this far with success, you are one sick, horny dude. You are a locomotive and there is no stopping you…. but here’s the thing: You have managed to get past the fact that she was the chick from the Wonka movie who got her rolly-polly-blue-berry loving ass kicked out by the oompa loompas, but there are other more disturbing things waiting to be rattled loose. You must take great care during coitus because it is a fact that when you reveal one physical lie there will be more waiting to fall off. I’m telling you, it’s like an addiction for girls: they’d screw on a new head every week if they could. If you get to rough, it is likely you will pop out a glass eye, or pull off a wig which can completely ruin the mood. Of course, you are one horny dude, and I shouldn’t put it past you that you like girls with glass eyes and bumpy scalps – ‘to each is own’ is what I say. But that’s the least of what you might uncover–I heard about this guy in Houston who went through all the above mentioned hassle, screwed this chick with way too much enthusiasm bopping off her prosthetic arm to reveal a ghastly stump that was giving him the ‘thumbs up’. He puked all over her back and ran off whimpering in the night. Poor guy can’t even watch the Happy Days anymore.
In my opinion, it’s much safer hiring a homeless guy to choke you while you masturbate. In this case, everybody wins; they need a job, and you have one for them. Now, you are one horny dude who is not endorsing the lying fat chick, who is helping the economy, and who is still getting there needs taken care of. But hey, besides being a fucking genius, who am I to tell you what to do – right?
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All I could think about while reading this post is: What Disney Park is that? The flowers make me think Epcot but that could possibly be the Magic Kingdom train in the background. If I had to guess I’d say she’s in Toon Town in MK.
What the f*ck is wrong with the jerk who wrote this? Why is this funny? I really don’t get it.
And if this guy’s a genius, we as a human race need to raise our standards.
What on earth is new, weird, or unusual about chicks wearing girdles and corsetry? Next you’ll be surprised that they don’t look near as good without their makeup on.
Dear, Mandi
We get it, Fat people are victims. You’re right, that’s much better.
Love, Carl
Speaking as a straight man, I’m appalled both by rampant female obesity (It’s perfectly acceptable in men because I don’t want to fuck them) and by the growing acceptance of female obesity. Curves are one thing, but folds are simply too much. If your gut sticks out past your boobs, you’re in this category. You women are not queen-sized, Big Beautiful Women, rubenesque, etc. You’re obese, and it’s not something to be proud of. It’s certainly not genetic in the vast majority of your cases, it’s because you’re a lazy slob who sits on your ass all day and comforts yourself by crying into a 5-gallon Value Bucket of Bryer’s Entire Donut Fudge Swirl Ice Cream.
Your also fat because you have this concept of negative food. Diet coke does not magically annihilate a bear claw. A salad will not vaporize a whole fried chicken. I hope you get the point.
Also, just because you fat broads CAN find someone to sleep with you, realize that it could be for a lot of simple reasons. A lot of woman have ridiculous standards, there are millions of lonely people online, and black guys will often be with a white woman at any cost. (the ’sisters’ are often extremely obese as well as ungodly obnoxious.)So don’t go thinking you’re beautiful because someone managed to go to the effort of rolling you in flour and looking for the wet spot.
I’m Captain Scumbone and I approve this message.
Captain Scumbone,
If I had a super secret, awesome, and totally kick-ass club, I would let you in it.
That . . . is just . . . DISGUSTING.