Gifts I Hope You Get For Christmas
Sometimes friend’s girlfriends or parents will call me to ask what their boyfriend/son/etc wants for Christmas because I am a very sensible and observant person.
What I usually do is think of the crappiest thing i’ve seen on TV lately and soberly explain to them that
“I know its crazy but he really seemed bananas over the ‘Chop and Shake’ food chopper/salt n pepper dispenser. ‘Just push it down and it easily chops an onion’, he kept saying.
This of course causes all kinds of timebomb style lols for me and for them too, surely.
So here’s the… (drumroll)
Misanthropy Today Holiday Gift Guide
The Loud N Clear:
A bluetooth hearing device to help old people hear better and also help them look cool by wearing a bluetooth since none of them have learned how to use cellular telephones yet (i’m foreshadowing here).
Also if you’re a young but overly curious person the Loud n Clear could work for you too.
Apparently, people say a lot of flattering things about other people that they don’t hear.
You’re missing out!
Overheard Quotes from the commercial:
He’s cute isn’t he?
That’s the 2nd new car they’ve bought in two months! They must be doing well…
That old lady in the turqoise pants smells like a port-a-potty.
When I was a boy growing up in Sonoma, California and reading my mom’s trashy magazines (way before the internet) there was something called the Whisper 2000.
As a precocious kid I used to think that this device was the funniest thing ever, and would use it to describe something very quiet, like a pathetic attempt at a fart, etc. This device STILL sells for $19.99 which is crazy since the Loud N Clear is only $14.99.
Life is funny because of reoccurring themes. Erica‘s neighbors boyfriend is in a band called the Whispertown 2000 and they have this pretty good song called “Old Times”. Is the name related to the device? I have no idea.
The Snuggie
If you’ve ever saw a blanket and screamed:
Why the fuck aren’t you a poncho that looks like a graduation robe?!
Then the Snuggie is for you.
Check out this commercial and try not to laugh. Just try it. I’d love for a friend to get this and have to try it on in front of his family as to not hurt feelings.
Jitterbug
A cell phone for our dear old senior citizens so that they don’t have to be bothered with the difficulties of owning a cell phone such as:
- Placing The Call By Touching Buttons
- Saving a Number
- Viewing Regular sized Buttons
- Paying A Regular Monthly Bill
The commercial for the jitterbug is great because it shows some people in the 1930′s dancing some swing dance which is like a cheap appeal to their sense of nostalgia for better times.
“I’m not a worthless old person who can’t find their ass with both hands, i’m from another simpler time when we danced crazy swing dancing” an old person might say to themselves, before ripping some nasty 45 second old person fart.
A Subscription To BBW Cupid
I saw this ad right here on misanthropy today. The one flaw in BBW Cupid is that 99% of women on the internet call themselves BBWs which I think stands for “I Work At A Donut Shop”.
What I mean to say is that if you’re gonna lay down some money to help meet some ladies you’re gonna aim a little higher than what you already know is lurking in every nook and cranny on the web. If you even said nook and cranny around someone you met on BBW Match they’d probably produce an english muffin from their pocket, already lightly toasted and buttered with lemon curd on it. I guess that’s not a bad thing really but you see where i’m going with it.
Just take a look at the featured profiles. You can tell that these daters have hit the skids. Their hearts aren’t in it. The jolly black guy can’t even force a smile. Mikka is like “I juss wanna man to take me out to eat dinna, nowutimsayin”
Anyhow, give this to a friend for christmas, they’ll love it.
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Tagged with christmas gifts, jitterbug, loudnclear, snuggie, whisper 2000, whispertown 2000
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Those are some mighty fine gift ideas.
I like this blog!
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haha, the Snuggie makes it look like your family belongs to a cult!
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Oh my god, I totally forgot about the Snuggie! I was laughing my ass off when I saw that, I was considering buying that as a prank gift for my nephew. Bwahahaha, who thinks up this shit!
With that said, Merry Christmas to my favorite misanthrope.
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Oh man, that Snuggie… I didn’t know those kind of commercials existed, down here we got some very stupid commercials going on, but that snuggie thing tops it. I think i get myself one, just to freak out people, shaving my head, tell them i’ve turned hara krishna.
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all these type of ads sucks, i dont believe such ideas
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so i bought my mom a snuggie (actually a slanket, but same difference) for mother’s day this year as a kind of joke but when she got it, she immediately gave me a call and was like, “oh my gosh, did i tell you i wanted one of these? i’ve been meaning to buy one since i saw the commercial! i LOVE it!!”. so there. moms love slankets.
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