I had the pleasure of meeting a disgustingly smelly manager at my local U Haul franchise today.This guy smelled like he jogged 4 miles then rolled around in an industrial sized litterbox that services the refuse needs of 50 large cats.
I really hate smelly people, and as winter comes, people think they need to bathe less. Not true.
I smell pretty good and am told this rather often. Don’t worry, it’s not gay to be clean and smell good. Even other straight dudes will appreciate when you smell good.
Whenever you meet someone smelly you assume that they are just a smelly person– or you blame their age, nationality or political affiliation. I was giving it some thought and I think this is wrong.
Like there’s no such thing as a “bad kid” theres also no such thing as “a smelly person”. I’m here to help get you cleaned up.
I think that like many other things, males, especially American males, are never taught how to shower or bathe.
I’m going to teach you.
You’ll learn that its mostly all just soap and friction.
Repeat that to yourself: Soap And Friction.
When I smelled this U-Haul driver I kept saying that in my mind, like “c’mon dude, soap and friction”.
Knowing The Enemy
Let’s start off with knowing the enemy or the problem areas. You have to first admit that you have problem areas in order to smell good and be clean.
The diagram below will assist you.
To not shame bad smelling people by using a dog poo graphic or something, i’ve used something that smells really good— tacos— to show areas that smell bad. The sizes of the tacos are in relation to the bad smell capacity of said body part.
What You Will Need
- Shower Or Bath: nothing fancy, make sure the bathroom is clean and uncluttered.
- A Handheld Showerhead: I recommend the Waterpik line of products. I know you’re not used to spending money on bathroom fixtures but for the price of a night at the bar you can become less smelly. These range from $20-$200. Buy one in the 35-$45 range. The $200 ones are 15-speed masturbation devices for women sold as bathroom fixtures. If your girlfriend has one, well, she’s been cheating on you with the shower.
- A Pumice Stone
- A Washcloth, Sponge or Loofah. Yeah that last one is gay and scratchy but exfoliates well. You’ll learn why exfoliation is important later.
- Soap (bar or liquid)
- Tooth Brush and Paste
- Shampoo and Conditioner
- Body and Face Lotion
- Baby Powder/Foot Powder
- Clean Towel
- Cologne or Aftershave (optional)
Step 1: Warming Up
Turn on the water to the desired temperature and close the door/curtain. Go to your sink and brush your teeth and shave. Feel free to be messy about this, leaving any residual shaving cream or toothpaste on your face and mouth. By this point the bathroom should be steaming up, which will help with shaving by opening up your pores. Clean your brush and razor and hop into the shower.
Step 2: The Pre-Wash
Get into the shower and make sure every part of your body is wet. If you have shaving cream or toothpaste on your face feel free to wash that off now. Don’t jump to the shampoo, the bubbles the shampoo creates that roll down your body will give you a false sense of cleanliness. Shampoo comes last asshole.
Step 3: Lather Up
By this point you’re soaking wet and awake and alert. Grab your bar or bottle of soap and start lathering up your washcloth or sponge (or loofah if you fell for that piece of advice).
I suggest you start at your neck and work down. The reasoning is that you don’t want to start at your feet, legs and balls and then put that cornocopia of filth on your chest, arms, hands and neck. Wash your neck the top of your back. Then your arms and under your armpits and chest. Then your stomach and the front and back of your legs.
Step 4: Problem Areas
By this point you’ll be pretty well soaped up and feel pretty clean. This is where most guys will jump out of the shower and walk around naked looking for something to wear. Wrong.
Take a look at the man covered with tacos and spend a proportional amount of time on each area (North To South) that the size of the taco is.
Notice that the smelliest areas are the same as the areas that get all shriveled and pruny when you sit in a hot tub too long. This skin is doesn’t like to be too dry or too wet, and your body replaces this skin more often than other areas of your body. This is why this skin absorbs so much bad smells.
Spend 30 seconds to a minute on each area. Use the handheld shower head to wash all these areas up close.
Step 5: Pablo, Are You Washing Your Ass, Honey?
Your mom or dad probably never told to wash your C+B’s and ass, and if they did, they didn’t tell you how.
Lather up a lot of soap and put it on your C+B’s and ass, including your undercarriage (the area in between).
These are pretty sensitive areas and don’t need too much scrubbing, I personally don’t even use a washcloth or sponge on these areas just because i’d hate to accidentally wash my face with it or something.
Just spread some soap around, let it sit for a few seconds and then grab the handheld showerhead and blast the soap away. If you had chili burgers or something that day, yanno, spend a little extra time on your ass.
WARNING: Because your girlfriend masturbates with the showerhead she might misinterpret you washing your ass as masturbation. Rather than engage her in an argument, i’d suggest keeping the door locked or just be aware that you might look a little suspect while doing this.
Next use the pumice stone on your feet and then give them a once over with some soap.
Now, wash your hands good and rinse your sponge or washcloth.
Step 6: Shampoo and Face
You’ve probably never started shampooing 7 minutes into your shower, so this will feel strange, but it will begin to make sense. Put some Shampoo in your hair and give yourself a bubble afro by rubbing vigorously, exfoliating your scalp.
Next, squeeze some facial wash into your hands, close your eyes and rub all over your face, neck and ears vigorously. The handheld showerhead should be on its holder and now put your head under the flow of water and rinse your head and face all at once. Knowing when the bubbles are all gone might take some practice, i’d say 20 seconds.
After the bubbles are gone grab some conditioner and rub that in– don’t spend a lot of time there, just in and out.
Rinse off and turn the shower off. You’re done.
Step 7. Drying and Preserving
Use a clean towel. If you don’t, you’ll undermine all the work you’ve just done. Dry off well. You’ll notice that you don’t feel like a cretin drying your ass and undercarriage off with that towel since you’ve cleaned there pretty well.
Leave all of your post shower supplies out in an orderly fashion: This all needs to be all assembly line style. Your entire bathing process shouldn’t take more than 15 minutes.
Grab the baby powder and give your C+B’s and ass a light blast. Don’t make yourself look like a jelly donut just a nice fine mist of powder.
Now grab your foot powder and using your used towel as a bathmat, hit your feet with it. My Grandpa used foot powder every day of his life and had great looking feet well into his 70s. Put your socks on directly afterwards.
Squeeze a Quarter sized amount of lotion onto your hand and quickly rub it around your body.
Grab a Dime sized dollop of facial lotion and eyes closed rub it all over your face.
Put some deodorant on. Many people use too much. Use a very small amount, believe me unless you’re Kimbo Slice it’ll be enough. Too much will clog your pores or cause them to try and expel all that gunk by sweating.
Comb your hair.
Go walk around cocks and socks and look for something to wear.