How To Bathe Or Shower: A Guide For Men

Background:

I had the pleasure of meeting a disgustingly smelly manager at my local U Haul franchise today.This guy smelled like he jogged 4 miles then rolled around in an industrial sized litterbox that services the refuse needs of 50 large cats.

I really hate smelly people, and as winter comes, people think they need to bathe less. Not true.

I smell pretty good and am told this rather often. Don’t worry, it’s not gay to be clean and smell good. Even other straight dudes will appreciate when you smell good.

Whenever you meet someone smelly you assume that they are just a smelly person– or you blame their age, nationality or political affiliation. I was giving it some thought and I think this is wrong.

Like there’s no such thing as a “bad kid” theres also no such thing as “a smelly person”. I’m here to help get you cleaned up.

I think that like many other things, males, especially American males, are never taught how to shower or bathe.

I’m going to teach you.

You’ll learn that its mostly all just soap and friction.

Repeat that to yourself: Soap And Friction.

When I smelled this U-Haul driver I kept saying that  in my mind, like “c’mon dude, soap and friction”.

Knowing The Enemy

Let’s start off with knowing the enemy or the problem areas. You have to first admit that you have problem areas in order to smell good and be clean.

The diagram below will assist you.

To not shame bad smelling people by using a dog poo graphic or something, i’ve used something that smells really good— tacos— to show areas that smell bad. The sizes of the tacos are in relation to the bad smell capacity of said body part.

Getting Started

What You Will Need

  • Shower Or Bath: nothing fancy, make sure the bathroom is clean and uncluttered.
  • A Handheld Showerhead: I recommend the Waterpik line of products. I know you’re not used to spending money on bathroom fixtures but for the price of a night at the bar you can become less smelly. These range from $20-$200. Buy one in the 35-$45 range. The $200 ones are 15-speed masturbation devices for women sold as bathroom fixtures. If your girlfriend has one, well, she’s been cheating on you with the shower.
  • A Pumice Stone
  • A Washcloth, Sponge or Loofah. Yeah that last one is gay and scratchy but exfoliates well. You’ll learn why exfoliation is important later.
  • Soap (bar or liquid)
  • Tooth Brush and Paste
  • Shampoo and Conditioner
  • Deoderant
  • Body and Face Lotion
  • Baby Powder/Foot Powder
  • Socks
  • Clean Towel
  • Cologne or Aftershave (optional)

Getting Clean

Step 1: Warming Up

Turn on the water to the desired temperature and close the door/curtain. Go to your sink and brush your teeth and shave. Feel free to be messy about this, leaving any residual shaving cream or toothpaste on your face and mouth. By this point the bathroom should be steaming up, which will help with shaving by opening up your pores. Clean your brush and razor and hop into the shower.

Step 2: The Pre-Wash

Get into the shower and make sure every part of your body is wet. If you have shaving cream or toothpaste on your face feel free to wash that off now. Don’t jump to the shampoo, the bubbles the shampoo creates that roll down your body will give you a false sense of cleanliness. Shampoo comes last asshole.

Step 3: Lather Up

By this point you’re soaking wet and awake and alert. Grab your bar or bottle of soap and start lathering up your washcloth or sponge (or loofah if you fell for that piece of advice).

I suggest you start at your neck and work down. The reasoning is that you don’t want to start at your feet, legs and balls and then put that cornocopia of filth on your chest, arms, hands and neck. Wash your neck the top of your back. Then your arms and under your armpits and chest. Then your stomach and the front and back of your legs.

Step 4: Problem Areas

By this point you’ll be pretty well soaped up and feel pretty clean. This is where most guys will jump out of the shower and walk around naked looking for something to wear. Wrong.

Take a look at the man covered with tacos and spend a proportional amount of time on each area (North To South) that the size of the taco is.

Notice that the smelliest areas are the same as the areas that get all shriveled and pruny when you sit in a hot tub too long. This skin is doesn’t like to be too dry or too wet, and your body replaces this skin more often than other areas of your body. This is why this skin absorbs so much bad smells.

Spend 30 seconds to a minute on each area. Use the handheld shower head to wash all these areas up close.

Step 5: Pablo, Are You Washing Your Ass, Honey?

Your mom or dad probably never told to wash your C+B’s and ass, and if they did, they didn’t tell you how.

Here’s how:

Lather up a lot of soap and put it on your C+B’s and ass, including your undercarriage (the area in between).

undercarriage

undercarriage

These are pretty sensitive areas and don’t need too much scrubbing, I personally don’t even use a washcloth or sponge on these areas just because i’d hate to accidentally wash my face with it or something.

Just spread some soap around, let it sit for a few seconds and then grab the handheld showerhead and blast the soap away. If you had chili burgers or something that day, yanno, spend a little extra time on your ass.

WARNING: Because your girlfriend masturbates with the showerhead she might misinterpret you washing your ass as masturbation. Rather than engage her in an argument, i’d suggest keeping the door locked or just be aware that you might look a little suspect while doing this.

Next use the pumice stone on your feet and then give them a once over with some soap.

Now, wash your hands good and rinse your sponge or washcloth.

Step 6: Shampoo and Face

You’ve probably never started shampooing 7 minutes into your shower, so this will feel strange, but it will begin to make sense. Put some Shampoo in your hair and give yourself a bubble afro by rubbing vigorously, exfoliating your scalp.

Next, squeeze some facial wash into your hands, close your eyes and rub all over your face, neck and ears vigorously. The handheld showerhead should be on its holder and now put your head under the flow of water and rinse your head and face all at once. Knowing when the bubbles are all gone might take some practice, i’d say 20 seconds.

After the bubbles are gone grab some conditioner and rub that in– don’t spend a lot of time there, just in and out.

Rinse off and turn the shower off. You’re done.

Step 7. Drying and Preserving

Use a clean towel. If you don’t, you’ll undermine all the work you’ve just done. Dry off well. You’ll notice that you don’t feel like a cretin drying your ass and undercarriage off with that towel since you’ve cleaned there pretty well.

Leave all of your post shower supplies out in an orderly fashion: This all needs to be all assembly line style. Your entire bathing process shouldn’t take more than 15 minutes.

Grab the baby powder and give your C+B’s and ass a light blast. Don’t make yourself look like a jelly donut just a nice fine mist of powder.

Now grab your foot powder and using your used towel as a bathmat, hit your feet with it. My Grandpa used foot powder every day of his life and had great looking feet well into his 70s. Put your socks on directly afterwards.

Squeeze a Quarter sized amount of lotion onto your hand and quickly rub it around your body.

Grab a Dime sized dollop of facial lotion and eyes closed rub it all over your face.

Put some deodorant on. Many people use too much. Use a very small amount, believe me unless you’re Kimbo Slice it’ll be enough. Too much will clog your pores or cause them to try and expel all that gunk by sweating.

Comb your hair.

You’re done.

Go walk around cocks and socks and look for something to wear.

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14 Comments

on “How To Bathe Or Shower: A Guide For Men
14 Comments on “How To Bathe Or Shower: A Guide For Men
  1. It’s hard to believe this is news to anyone. But there must be a reason for the stench coming off of certain people (not only dudes).

    One additional note: this procedure MUST be completed at least once daily. Any less than that and you are a lazy piece of shit.

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  2. yeah, it seems rudimentary but i also have a few friends who smell pretty bad. They must just not shower properly.

    And yeah, there’s some chicks that could definitely use a refresher course in bathing.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 4 Thumb down 0

  3. no problem, glad i could help. I see a lot of referrals coming from myspace so i bet girls are using it as a “funny” but serious suggestion to their boyfriends

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  4. I have to say on the washing your ass, go get a different color washcloth or something and really clean it.

    If not, it’s like taking your car to the car wash, spraying soap on it with the wand, then spraying water on it without scrubbing it and then you go to dry your car and the towel wipes off tons of dirt.

    It’s not just what you can see, it’s bacteria and funk. You don’t have to finger fuck yourself or stick a bar of Irish Spring up in there, just make contact with something that will scrub it clean.

    That’s my two cents.

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  5. Why would you advise anyone to shave and brush at the sink, while the shower is running, just to generate steam? That’s wasting time and resources, by crackey! Get the shower up to temp and hop in right away, brush your teeth and shave IN THE SHOWER. They make mirrors for this express purpose.

    Shampoo last? False sense of cleanliness? What am I, some idiot who doesn’t know that I haven’t washed myself? It’s top-down, it has always been top-down, and it works just fine. Go ahead, spend an extra half-hour rinsing what you’ve already washed and rinsed. That’s just inefficent.

    I will say that the powder advice is spot-on, however. Been doing that for a few how-ya-beens, and it’s made a world of difference.

    Great site, Andy, and all that shit. -pB.

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  6. Pingback: study: Houston has some of the stinkiest people in America - Texas (TX) - Page 4 - City-Data Forum

  7. errrr Shampoo is supposed to go first; if you wash your body first then when you wash your hair and rinse off all the shampoo off (which is now the equivalent of used soap water, aka dirty) it will go all over your body and you’ll have to start again since you just moved all the crap from your hair to your body.

    I doubt men get a sense of cleanness when they get the shampoo all over their bodies, rather I’m pretty sure they feel it sticky and can’t wait to wash in those areas.

    But good tip on the foot powder, i’ll get right on that :D

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  8. Licensed Cosmotologist here. I’ve worked with hair and skin care for many years and while your instructions are thorough, there are a few minor inaccuracies and a few things that are better left unsaid. Let’s get that out of the way first, shall we?

    Using the term “asshole” while you’re trying to give advice lessens your credibility. Behaviour like that puts your readers on the defensive. It will make them want to dissprove you rather than listen to you. So chose your battle wisely.

    The ritual of cleaning oneself can not be done by using a cookie-cutter recipie, and is not bound to a “top-down” method. In fact, cleaning starts on the inside. All the scrubbing you can muster will be useless if you overlook the source of the odor.

    You must be aware that there are conditions of the skin and/or glands that can produce unpleasant body odor through no fault of the person. The food you eat contributes to the smell of your body. Even the color of your sweat can be affected by your diet. So, show some compassion because some who are repulsed by their own body odor can’t be cured with a hop into the shower. And for the record, if you are eating healthy/right, your poop won’t have a foul odor.

    As a general rule, you should limit detergent of ANY kind on your skin. It is unnecessary and can rob the skin of oil that it needs to maintain elasticity. More importantly, the oils you wash away carry the feremones that bring people to you. There are only 5 areas of the body that ever (not always) need a detergent cleaning–and you missed 1 of them.

    The areas of the body that secrete oil (not sweat) and odor are the areas that need detergent. It is the oil from the glands in those areas that produce the odor. Sweat contains no significant oil and does not stink. How quickly does sweat evaporate off your skin? Very quickly. This would not be possible if it had high oil content.

    Finally, the areas of the body that need detergent. 1) Scalp 2) Crotch 3) Buttocks 4) Armpits 5) Face. The remaining areas require nothing more than warm water.

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  9. Pingback: The Man Bath - MGC Mag

  10. This is the official protocol for bathing!
    But when you’re late there is a problem……
    the 15mins is reduced to 3mins….

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