How To Be Miserable
The author, at a high point of misery, with the beautiful pacific ocean behind him
I have begun to notice a striking similarity among the people I respect and enjoy. They’re miserable. My many adventures have led me to meet countless interesting and intelligent people and without fail every single one of them wallows in some degree of self-loathing or other. This is more than mere coincidence. It is universal law.
What I have come to realize, however, is that though all intelligent people are miserable, one need not be intelligent to be miserable. Herein lies the genius. Having trouble getting the respect you deserve at work, home, school, etc.? Try the intimidating constructs of misery. Not very inspired, artistic or clever? Start getting miserable. Here’s how:
1. Hate Yourself.
This first step, though sounding misleadingly simplistic, is paramount to the achievement of true misery. Here are a few simple exercises to help welcome you to the wonderful world of self-loathing:
- Look in the mirror, and say to yourself the sacred words, “Man, am I dumb.” Repeat.
- Lay in bed at night, ponder your lame life and state this obvious fact as your sanctioned mantra, “It’s my fault.” Repeat.
- ADVANCED ONLY: Drink a bottle of tequila, go to a party and exclaim your mantra, “It’s my fault.” Marvel at the party’s chorus of the “sacred words”.
2. Relish In Bitterness (AKA: Hate Everyone Else).
One cannot hate one’s self without a desperate disgust for stupidity of others. As in Zen Philosophy, pondering the following paradox may assist you:
- Everyone I’ve met who’s great has sucked,
therefore To be great,
one must suck
If one sucks, one is not great
If one is great, one cannot suck
This sucks
I suck
You suck
Fuck you
3. Watch TV.
There’s nothing like a barrage of commercials to make even the most peppy of us want to slide some sharp steel under our watch-band. Pay special attention to the fact that no one seems to represent you, you empathize with none of the spokespeople, except for the one guy with the goatee in the back seat in that Volkswagon commercial. Notice that this guy represents an up and coming “Cyber- guy,” which you are not. Also, notice that you can’t afford the car.
4. Be Too Good For Everything.
No one is more miserable than a snob and there’s no time like the present to start. Here are a few phrases to get you going:
- “Great!” (Don’t show)
- “I can’t wait!” (Don’t show)
- “Sound’s fantastic!” (Don’t show)
- “I can’t.” (Show, get drunk, mock the host and bail)
5. Quit Your Job.Get out of that shithole! That glorious walk to the parking lot with your office in a box will last for about 17 hours or until rent is due. Landlords are the dominatrixes of misery.
6. Keep Your Job.
Stay in that shithole! The fact that you are a writer, disk-jockey, farmer or whatever, will keep the boss pushing for you to program PERL, wait tables, or calculate Pi, thus assuring both of you that each of you are incompetent. That’s some prime, Grade “A” misery, and to think, they’re paying YOU!
7. Do Anything.
After years of focus, it is possible for the pure of heart to achieve “Misery Nirvana.” This high state of mental purity allows the blessed to view anything as miserable. It has been said that a young devotee in the South of France attained profound depression while drinking a glass of lemonade after a long game of badminton in June.
We can dream, can’t we?
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A friend of mine, Greg, became so good at misery that one day he awoke to find himself turned into a giant insect.
Sounds about right Oscar
This more appropriately belongs in the About Me section of your blog.
Where is Franz Kafka when we need him?
To be truly miserable all one has to do is understand who they really are… If everyone knew who they really were and what they were capable of, the world would directly and intentionally murder it self instead of doing it accidentally. All in all, the same result is accomplished… Therefore, it is my conclusion that there are 2 types of people in the world… Those who fail on accident, and those who fail on purpose. Everyone fails… everyone, especially you.
Like I said before. Mona Bahgat wrote this. Let the misery-credit go to her please. Truly a genius
misery loves company…i’ll pull up a chair…gotta beer?
I like the “be too good for everything” idea the best.
haha this made me laugh… i think i’m a professional at 1 & 2
lol. I do this well…
I’m a professional at 3 and 4.
Another helpful hint: When talking to someone, always use the same derogatory term i.e. – Whats up bitch?
as it’s easier to hate yourself when you are hated by others.
Misery nirvana also allows one to make decisions based or realistic observations and facts rather than hopes and expectations.
for me it’s 1,2 and 4.
That’s really interesting, i don’t dare to try!
Too funny! This cracks me up! I know a ton of miserable people and can understand where you’re coming from, but, “How to be Miserable” should be a skit on “Saturday Night Live!”
Great job!