How To Write A Psychotic Breakup Letter
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My friend Rochelle showed me this site and we started talking about the subject and I said I probably had one in my outbox online.
She logged off her IM so I’ll post it here instead.
This is an email I wrote to a girl after she broke up with me. I’ve edited out names and information that would identify her for anyone incredibly fluent in the happenings of my life. I’ve also improved the formatting because when whiskey is your writing partner formatting sorta goes out the window.
Dear XXXX-
I’m going to spare you sad descriptions of my inside parts and stick to facts; After all, the goal here is not to endow your already rich shitty poetry collection but to hurt your feelings.
1. You dumped me. This certainly gives you the tactical advantage. This advantage will last until you find out (now) that I didn’t cheat on you but did keep Deloitte-quality records of girls who wanted to sleep with me and their contact information while we were involved. Some call this insurance. Others call it not being fully committed. There’s not a word for “fucking the pain away with a different chick each week”, but if there was i’d call it that.
2. I am feeling the loss. I have no romantic notions about the loss. I had a girlfriend, now I don’t. You had a boyfriend, now you don’t. I have to find someone else to do stuff with. I do take solace in the fact that I have a lot more going for me than you do, generally. I get to take that stuff with me. While you focused on accumulating stupid trinkets and cultivating insipid friendships I’ve always worked on improving myself and my circumstances (to a fault, sure).
4. Mentally generate likely insults about your sexuality in these categories:
- General Physical Appearance
- Ability To Orgasm Only When Being Choked Lightly
- Dull Uniformity/”Groundhog Day”-ish Sex
- Odd diction during sex (i.e. “Call me a whore”)
5. I was going to write something here about not contacting me ever again, but then I thought that I should be honest. You may contact me anytime (between the hours of 1:30am-2:45 am Weeknights and 10:30pm-12:30am on school nights). Of course, this contact should only be to arrange a time/place for having depressing sex and me calling you a whore.
A few small points:
- The way you tell stories is really annoying. The tapes you run whenever someone says a keyword are probably the worst. When you have to say “no I’m not even done” while telling a story the listener really wants you to be done.
- I’m pretty sure you cheated on me during your recent trip to xxxxxxxx. I didn’t say anything but I did log into your cell phones user interface (you’re a genius when you autosave your logins on MY laptop), copy the texts of those conversations and email them to myself. If you ever fuck with me I’ll probably reply all to your ‘my birthday party directions!!!!!!!!’ email and include that photo I took with my camera phone on our vacation to xxxxxx. You know, the one where you were doing that thing to me that I’d practically have to beg for, thus losing all pleasure associated with someone doing that thing to you. Your friends and family will certainly think I’m a lunatic but they’ll probably also have some thoughts about you. Maybe the photo will help me generate some leads for my project mentioned earlier in item #1.
Thanks for it all.
Andy
If you’re wondering how that turned out, well the answer might suprise you. We’re getting married in July!
Just kidding, haven’t talked to her since.
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You win so hard.
I just popped a chubby reading this.
amazing, mine were just guilt trips with thinly veiled barbs and hints that I was boning their best friends… except for one. the grail. you’ll never see it.
Man, I wish I had dated you to get a break up letter like that. Well written and the threats were polite but harsh.
Rachel’s last blog post..Things That Annoy Me About (wanna be) Therapists
thanks guys. I felt a little weird posting it. I have some others that are blathering or embarassing. Maybe i’ll post those too. Most of them are full of stuff that wouldn’t make sense out of context. Or in context. I dunno.
Columbo, post the grail. Come on. I collect things like that.
Rachel, the threats were polite and I never actually intended to follow through on them but I wanted to bury the hatchet.
Absolutely classic! Love to print it, but as you know you’ll probably get ripped up in the comments because its mostly chicks. But that is fucking a gold mine letter. I’m not going to steal it, but email me if I can print it. PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD. I’ll give you 100% amnesty and anonymity.
Weasel Psychotic Letters From Men weaselworden@yahoo.com
Sure weasel.
Check your mailbox.
Ping me when it’s live and i’ll go defend myself like a psychotic loser, if need be.
very enjoyable
Its up on Weasel’s psychotic letters blog. It is a very well written letter, save for the lack of number 3. I liked the generate your own insults part…
Let me get this straight–this girl was fucking around on you; wanted boring, depressing sex; and had to be cajoled into doing some unamed sex act with you. She was also, according to you, really annoying. So she treated you miserably, you were unhappy with her, yet SHE dumped YOU. How’s it feel to have an annoying chick who’s a horrible lay dump your ass?
Yes, if you sent the pic around people would’ve thought you were a lunatic. (ZOMG!! Grown woman has SEX!! In other news, sun rises in the east.) They also probably also figured out that you didn’t have the balls to make the break yourself.
I estimate the next comment to be from some raging hormonal femdog who read this letter on PLFM, Andy.
You can’t dangle bones in front of them without them wanting to bite them.
…
I hate it when chicks bite.
the grail:
Dear *******
you aren’t worth the time it took to write this.
sincerely,
Caleb.
p.s. salvation army appreciated the clothes. =)
…I originally had another in mind, but technically it was a facebook message to a douchebag friend of mine and wasn’t ON PAPER, so this is the only one I found that qualifies.
enjoy.
I enjoyed this.