How To Write An Impressive Resume For The Recession
I heard there’s a recession going on.
You likely landed here from Google and you’ve probably got one of those huge Gas Station burritos in your right hand and a Marlboro 100 in your left hand and you’re frantically looking for a new job.
When your Mom told you that “these things happen for a reason” she was just repeating something she saw on Dr Phil or Oprah. The universe is arbitrary and unfair. Once you accept that, a great burden— that all things have meaning and are important— will be lifted from your shoulders.
Follow this guide and you may be arbitrarily (or deliberately) hired by learning how to write a resume. I hope so.
People need jobs to be happy. I’m not being sarcastic like I usually am; really they do.
Start A Project
Since you’re now unemployed you have some time on your hands and a little bit of unemployment money coming your way. Decide on a project that you’ve always put off because you had to work too much and start it. Starting is the hardest part. Don’t waste too much time in the planning or “honeymoon” stage– just get to work. My friend Richard Nike has this saying that goes “Just do it.” I like that.
Q: What does this have to do with writing a resume, asshole?!
Whoa, you people living on the government dole are feisty.
Here’s what it has to do with it: when you go on an interview and every other sad sack is talking about how “the economy is really bad” or “I got laid off for no reason…” you’ll be able to say “I was laid off but it gave me time to work on this wonderful project i’ve always wanted to do which is blah blah blah”.
Knowing corporate types, they will then feel a strong urge to smash your soul and your dumb project by employing you. Cha-ching.
Be Straightforward; Avoid CorporateSpeak
Writing a resume is difficult. You imagine the person reading it will be some 70 year old librarian type so you pack it full of corporate-speak and “managing”-this and “executing on”-that.
Most people who read resumes are ruggedly handsome MBA types who enjoy rock climbing or Vice Presidents of Human Resources who are often very delicate and comely babes.
Everyone else is over-professionalizing their resume and yours will stand out because they will see a real human behind it. They’re you; write your resume for you.
If you worked at taco bell your resume should look like this:
Andy Fox
Taco Bell. Shift Manager. Santa Monica, California
Summary:
- Made Tacos, Burritos and Some Other Pseudo-Mexican Food With Great Efficiency & Aplomb
- Ran The Cash Register: took money, gave change. Was never off.
- Helped Customers
- Made Up IRL RPG With Shift Team Where Bags Of Tacos And Such Were Extinguishers And Fat Customers Were Raging Fires. “Ricardo Quick Three Alarmer At Window #2!!!”
- QC’d The Evening Janitor’s Work. Kept a log. Bad word choice.
- Invented a Drink Consisting of 10% Pepsi, 25% Sierra Mist, 45% Fruit Punch and 20% Fanta Orange called “Boom Shakalaka” (Patent Pending)
Ok I was trying to be funny on #4-6. I know i’m not really that funny: you should know that too.
Being funny on your resume is so 1999 Dot-Com era. Cut it out.
If I see a joke on a resume I know the author lives with his Mom. I am a hiring manager— I will not hire people who can’t be fucked to be serious when writing their resume. That said, describe your experience in your own words.
Tell A Story
Whether it’s a business plan looking for 10M in seed funding or a recent college grad looking for $10 per hour— people like stories. We were raised on stories. We want to believe in stories. We want to be apart of stories– Tell them a story.
How’d you get here? Why? What do you want? What are your aspirations? What do you know? Why are you the best ______ ______ Associate I could hire?
If I saw a resume that said:
Dear Hiring Manager-
I’ve always loved the web. Now that I’m college educated I want to learn how I can be apart of the web. My experience is ______. My training is _______. My life experience prepares me for this job because of _______, and because I love the web and want to contribute to it. I currently contribute to it in _____ way.
Thanks
John Smith
I’d likely hire that person on the spot.
Keep It Short
No more than one paragraph on your cover letter. Don’t ramble on in your job descriptions. Put the jobs you’ve had in the last 3-4 years and thats it. Don’t put every school you went to, just the ones that matter.
Don’t Send Generic Job Inquiries
Sure you started doing this because you once wrote an essay on why you should work for Acme Productions along with your resume and they never called or wrote. You pictured yourself working there, hanging out in the Acme Productions cafeteria, telling people you worked for Acme— maybe even meeting a sex partner there. Never happened. Now you send something that looks like this, virtually copied and pasted from a MS Word 4.0 Template:
Dear Sir/Madam,
I am interested in the position PRODUCT MANAGER for your firm. Please review my resume and I look forward to meeting with you at your earliest convenience.
Regards,
Pete Pelmo
Usually these types of inquiries are sent from email addresses like “iluvsluts515@hotmail.com”.
A friend of mine once did some research on a very proper candidate whose only trail on the web was his username.
Turns out he wrote this incongruous entry on Urban Dictionary:
10. |
Manhattan |
26 up, 49 down   |
The act of a man inserting his penis into a womans anus (the two hole), then into her vagina (the one hole) and finaly back to the anus (two again) in quick succession, or 2-1-2, a Manhattan area code.sex acts anal area code accuracy testsby bromosapien May 17, 2006 share this add comment |
||
True Story.
Include Your Best References
More than anything, hiring managers want to see that other fancypantses like and respect you and will vouch for you. Put the people you know with the heaviest titles on your references section. If they check out, you’ll get the job.
Nobody wants to call your old manager at Carrow’s dude.
Be Thankful
You lost your job because of the recession. Imagine the people who couldn’t get hired BEFORE the recession. You’re ahead of the curve. Hang out with your other unemployed friends and commiserate. Chin up.
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Good one.
One thing to add: If you already have a job, do all of these things anyway. You never know when things will change. Keep your resume updated, clean up your online identity, work on that important personal project you’ve been putting off, etc.
Actually I have another thing to add: Do a full QC review of your resume and cover letter before sending it. Check for grammar and spelling. Have a friend or family member read it too. As a hiring manager, it seriously bothers me when an applicant doesn’t make sure their resume and cover letter are flawless (i.e. “how I can be apart of the web” vs. “how I can be a part of the web”).
Im reading your post and I have built a site that allows consumers to take their traditional resume and convert it to a highly optimized web resume.
Check it out; http://www.resumebucket.com
Takes, 10 seconds to sign up, and users will get a unique url that they chose like; http://www.resumebucket.com/joshstomel
We optimize the keywords in the resume and the meta description. Within 24 hours, if you did a google search for that persons name or a boolean search, they will be ranked at the top of the google search results.. We are in beta and very excited. New site coming soon
Great post
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This traditional perspective fails to take into account that in many countries, youth are very much active players, con- tributing to the public good, and having a voice in their communities. ,