Drunk By Noon On New Years Day.
New Years really sucks: The only tradition I have for New Years Eve is to get drunk. The only tradition I have on New Years Day is to get drunk. Early.
The main reason it sucks is because somehow it got misfiled into the “Premium Holiday” category when really it belongs in the “Shitcan Holiday” category along with Valentines Day, St Patrick’s Day and whatever that Black Christmas holiday is.
So much of a happy life is about managed expectations.
Up until about 26 or 27 I expected New Years Eve to be this perfect combination of party, epiphany, romance and reflection and it never was.
Here’s what would happen instead:
I’d scramble at the last minute for something to do, usually end up at someone’s house who I don’t even know since most of my friends are too disorganized or too busy hedging their bets to pull something together. That night, I will wear a dumb hat, try to avoid some post-holiday angst argument with my girlfriend at the time, or if I’m single, circle the place all night like a Reno Whore looking for someone that would be likely to kiss me at midnight. At midnight I will be hammered, will realize that this holiday only marks the end of the holidays and summer is fucking 6 months away and some idiot is hitting me in the face with the expanding end of a paper noisemaker.
Everything is overpriced on New Years:
- A hotel that regularly costs $50 will be $350.
- A bar that never charges a cover can charge you $25 to get in because they bought a dozen mylar balloons and a box of Chinese made party horns
- You can’t just go get a meal at a restaurant. If you go get a meal you’re getting a “New Years Meal” which means you have to choose from less items and pay three times as much because they’re giving you a “complimentary” glass of Andre California champange.
I’m tired of putting pressure on myself to do something special for new years. New Years Day is the most worthless holiday ever. More worthless and demoralizing than Christmas Day, which is like this giant expectation failure disaster and crinkled wrapping paper everywhere.
In Order To Make New Years Suck Less A Few Reforms Are Necessary:
- Fireworks Shows need to become standard for new years the way they are on Independence Day Think of everything that used to suck (Angels Stadium, Sydney Australia, Night Time At Disneyland, etc) and how they’ve added fireworks to it and now it’s cool.
- If you have a large house, condo or loft and make over $125,000 annually you are required to have a party at your house. If you own or have access to a vacation cottage, cabin, time share or whatever other silver spoon prep-school housing arrangement you have, you are to offer all of your friends usage of this for a holiday party no later than October 31st with reminders up until Christmas Eve.
- If you’re a single girl you need to let a guy kiss you at midnight if he says the words “hey, it’s new years” and there’s no other guys near you. If he brings you three glasses of champagne and even leaves the bar with you to put your fat friends jacket in his car when its like twenty minutes until the midnight countdown, well, it wouldn’t kill you to let him put his hands down your pants later that night.
- ‘Dunce’ shaped party hats, tiaras, and antennae hats are ok. The fedora or top hat style party hat should be abolished along with sunglasses that have the year on them or face paints. Face paints pretty much have no heterosexual purpose outside of a film production or halloween store.
Happy Holidays from Misanthropy Today and these roofie magnets.