People Who Drink Chardonnay Are Creeps
Chardonnay sucks.
That it’s an awful wine is common knowledge and is not even debatable.
Anytime I see someone drinking it I usually hate the drinker beforehand because of something else and it’s only cemented after seeing them bring that glass of urine up to take a drink—- “Ooh that’s nice”, they always say.
Here Are Some Common Chardonnay Drinkers:
- Women who hang out at country clubs and talk loud (most loud talkers in general)
- Homosexuals (the annoying fay ones)
- Women who listen to country music
- Guys who pretend like they’re torn between ordering a beer or wine but always order a wine, this wine
- Housewives who are hiding their alcoholism behind this insignificant variety of wine
- Secretaries being “Naughty” at lunch
- People who go on wine tasting tours in Napa Valley instead of the better, more daring Sonoma or North Coast regions
- “Busy Professionals”. Hey what’s the quotes for dicknose? I work hard and I play hard. Everyone knows you can’t play hard without Whiskey, douche.
- Contractors, Architects or Construction Executives who wear pullover jackets and windbreakers made by Columbia Sportswear. I don’t know how those cretiens that work for me drink that domestic beer garbage (chuckles). Oh, that’s just because they don’t dream about sucking anonymous guys off in movie theaters, that’s how come.
- Movie Directors and Producers
- Academics
Let me dispel a few of the main myths about Chardonnay:
It’s not fancy.
Any bottle over $6 is too much. I’ve tried a lot of it and it all tastes the same.
It’s not complex.
Most regions allow up to 40% Thompson’s Seedless Grapes. Yeah those big green grapes that you put in a sandwich bag for your kid.
It’s not good to cook with.
Unless your recipe calls for cat piss and you just ran out. In that case, I reluctantly approve of using chardonnay. The best cooking wine is Merlot or Syrah. Add some of it to anything except cereal and it will taste better.
It won’t get chicks drunk.
Well it might, but it takes a lot. And since it’s all equally nasty but arbitrarily priced she’ll always pick the 2nd from most expensive one. $14 bucks a glass. She’s drinking a bottle of whiskey with every glass of that crap.
However:
Chardonnay is one of the main ingredients in champagne and champagne is very good.
Don’t be worried, you are able drink champagne without suddenly feeling like you want to go watch some dude walk on the stair climber machine at the gym.
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hahahaha
Funny. I was just telling someone I’ve been drinking white wine lately, everything but Chardonnay, that is.
Schmucks like you gave Merlot a bad name in the 90’s, and you’re doing it again to Chardonnay. Yes there are plenty of better wines out there, but Chardonnay deserves a little more respect. In addition to Champagne, it is the main grape of what many people consider the best white wine in the world, White Burgundy.
And as regards blending, according to the laws set forth by the BATF, to be labeled Chardonnay, the wine must contain at least 75% Chardonnay grapes(90% in Oregon). And most of the blending is done with Colombard grapes, because there is more money to be made by selling Thompson or Concord grapes for food instead of to wineries.
And the best wine to cook with is the wine you’re going to drink with whatever you’re cooking.
That said, well done accurately pegging the most common Chardonnay drinkers in America.
Most US (New World) wine is brash, unsubtle and generally substandard so not much point singling one grape variety out for special attention.
Few wines are more noble than a quality Chablis so this who article is flawed from the outset.
Still, it was an amusing read non the less!