Sliders Are Stupid, Little Burgers
In this moment in time, in addition to the whole specialty coffee craze is an obsession with small, dry, toppingless burgers called Sliders.
These little burgers are exactly what’s wrong with America. They are like 8 ounce cans of coke, Smartcars or 100 calorie cookie packs. The lie is that because the serving is smaller it’s more valuable and more sensible. Healthier or better for the environment. Cuter.
Hamburgers are not supposed to be cute.
Regulate yourselves. Buy a 1500 calorie cookie pack and separate it into 15 servings.
Overnight everyone is serving these sliders and it’s making me really pissed.
If I were mentally ill and knew how to build complex explosive devices, each time I saw a new place serving sliders I would have to build yet another bomb. You can imagine it. I have to move back in with my parents to afford the expensive supplies required. What started as a hobby to rid the world of these dumb little burgers becomes an obsession. I’m sleeping in my car at lunchtime. My boss is noticing a change in me and has talked to me about it. I’m ordering mercury switches by the dozen. At first I direct my hate towards small beef burgers, and then any small sandwich angers me as well—that kind of power corrupts. I create a minimum-size sandwich template and have my machinist friend make a metal cast for me; If a sandwich is smaller than my template it goes on the backlogged list of places to be bombed. I casually overhear an otherwise polite and kind neighbor tell another neighbor that her son loves when she cuts the crusts off his peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and I upon hearing this I jot her address down on a small notebook I carry in my pocket while i’m unlocking my padlocked workshop that used to be my parents garage.
Since i’m not mentally ill i’m going to just calmly tell you that these burgers are a scam and in case you think eating 6 of these little bastards is better for you than eating 1 grown adult sized burger, it’s not.
Grow up.
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I ate sliders first at a restaurant near my grandparents house in florida around 3 years ago and now anytime i’m at a restaurant my family is like “Hey RC they have sliders!” like I never get tired of eating sliders or something. They need to slide off my jock about sliders. Down with that insulting little mini-burger!
White Castle, Krystal, various home-grown establishments, they have been serving these shit burgers for a century plus and everyone chided them as ‘bad for you’ now since the major players (you know who you are!) started throwing this stuff around its “OK”
If you want a “slider” from one of the afore mentioned places go right ahead, do it for taste, not because some fucktard bean counter wants to get all up in your mind like a bad Billy Mays commercial and give you the 100 calorie pack bullshit speech.