The Saigon Whore Who Bit My Nose Off (Dating Asian Women)
Today I heard some thing about Online Dating on NPR and and it was hosted by an asian woman.
My internal dialogue was wondering when she would get around to what a piece of hell she is to date, but to my surprise she never did.
I only like dark hair and eyes, and a lot of latina or black women are too culturally different for me so that leaves me with the asians often times.
By culturally different I mean ghetto but it’s not polite to say that. Crap, I just said it. Here let me italicize it. Ah, much better.
So I thought i’d share my experiences with dating asian Women.
Fillipina Met On Freeway
When I was freshly out of college, 21 or 22 and I met a 32 year old fillipino woman by chance. She was like a mexican looking fillipina chick.
To be honest I met her while driving on the freeway and exchanging looks and finally she held up a sign with her number. I know this seems like an urban legend but it happened and hasn’t happened since.
I called her and we talked a bit. She had one of these really heavy accents that sounded like when you need to replace the wheel bearing on your car’s wheel and you let it go too long.
Sort of a whirling whrrrr-weeeee-whrrr-weee.
That night I met her and we sat in her car and talked. She told me how religious she was and so on. I was like oh this isn’t gonna be fun, nice knowing you.
The next day she came to my apartment and made sweet love to me. It was surprising.
I was programmed to act like a bastard to women at that age, so I did. Her name was Carol. She would come over once or twice per week after work. I was unemployed and trying to figure out what to do with my life. Usually I’d make some joke at her expense and then she’d say:
(Fobby accent) “Andy, don’t ever call me again”.
“Ok” I’d say.
Then in two days she’d call and be back over that night. Repeat this twice weekly for about 6 months.
Beautiful Asian Friend Of College Friend
This girl was a friend of my female college friend. Gorgeous, I mean like one of those perfect tall, skinny, model looking chicks. Like an older version of London from the Suite Life with Zach and Cody.
One night we all went out to Hollywood and I was acting like a real asshole. Like you know how you act when you think you’re the best as a joke? Like that, but in earnest.
Later that night I took her for a drunken ride around Melrose (where I was living at the time, still not sure what to do with my life) on my electric scooter and crashed it near a gas station, injuring her foot, but I was blown clear.
She slept with me a few hours later. I lasted a minute or two and I think they had a laugh about that. Still, she let me try a few other times where I improved my stamina by at least 60%.
I started to like her sort of (she was way out of my league) and when I tried to develop something with her I ceased to be attractive.
As in fishing, stick with the bait that works. If worms are working, don’t try flies.
Asian Rocker Chick
I met this chick at an asian themed bar in Hollywood called The Good Luck Bar.
I think she was trying to give me Bejing nights (she’s Burmese but I don’t know any cities in Burma) or something because on our first date she ordered in a bunch of sushi and had all the right plates and utensils and stuff.
I was impressed.
She looked sort of (or exactly) like this:
She looks fobby but was born here and was educated and all, she was in corporate real estate. I was still, trying to figure out what to do with myself.
She was super into 1980’s butt rock. I can’t understate this. She lived for 80’s cheese metal.
I was also a bastard during this time and finally I broke up with her due to my own guilt.
Then a few days later decided I was just kidding.
Locks changed. I called during the day and some dude picked up the phone:
“Is Roxy (fake name) home?” I asked.
“No shes at work dude”. He said
“Well who’s this?” I demanded.
“I’m Chris” he said.
“And what are you doing there?”
“I’m watching Waynes World; it’s funny (laughs to self)” Chris said.
I sorta laughed at this, that some relaxed, no aggro, pretty regular dude was mowing my lawn.
“heh. Well Chris, tell Roxy Andy called and remember that less than two weeks ago I made her lips look like a glazed donut, so yeah, enjoy kissing her” I said.
“Cool dude. Take care bro”.
All at once I didn’t care anymore. If you ever get a call like that from some maniac just act cool like Chris did. It’s very disarming.
Another tip is that asian chicks move on quick and don’t look back.
The fillipina chick mentioned earlier? Married 2 months after I last talked to her.
Koreatown Bar Chick
I was a bit older now, and had some idea of what I was doing but still had the same roommate as before and we lived in Koreatown. I frequented a place that was uncharted by round eyes called Dansungsa.
This was many years ago when Koreans regarded white people the way White people regarded black people in the 1940’s.
My roommate and I were having beers and soju and eating skewers and minding our own business. Suddenly a korean girl walks by and drops her number at the bar in front of me and keeps walking.
Remember I was better looking when I was younger, this sort of thing never happens to me anymore.
Anyhow, I call her and somehow we’re able to make plans to hang out the next night. Her english was pretty bad. We go back to the same place and we start drinking and eating.
Keep in mind that we’re in a saloon in 1940’s Alabama and she’s a blond white girl and i’m a guy that looks like Shaquille O’Neal.
Anyhow i’m noticing a lot of dirty looks and I mention this to her and she seems a little embarassed by it (other korean’s behavior) and by the fact that shes there with me (Shaq).
She keeps asking me inane questions (i.e. “Who are you?” , “What do you want in life?”) and urging me to eat more eel and drink more. The eel she said, “is good for stamina”. I swear this happened.
Anyhow, pretty soon I eat about 3 servings of eel and a gallon of soju and she invites me back to her place.
She is pretty much in the driver seat here and i’m ass naked in only a few minutes. We get it on pretty raucously and after she makes me something that looks like shabu shabu but korean and I bounce.
While I’m leaving I notice she has a box with Windows 2000 NT in it. This information will be useful in a moment.
The next day i’m enjoying a lazy sunday working on a security guard buddy cop script with my roommate and my computer crashes. BSOD.
I remember the box with the Windows software and call Sunny (actual name).
“Hey Sunny, it’s me Andy”
“Hi Andy, how are you?”
“I’m good, weird question, but I saw that you have windows software, my compy crashed, could I borrow it?”
“No”
“Hey look you know that if I use it you can still use it, its still on the disk. I’ll return it in an hour”
“I know, I just dont want to lend it to you”
“Well, ok then”
“Do you want to hang out tonight?” she asked.
“yeah, um maybe. Bye”
I hung up and consulted my roommate. His advice was that I call up and tell her that in America if you fuck someone silly the night before you at least let them borrow some measily software.
So I do.
She says “ok thanks”, like, “thank you Mr Shaq for your advice”
And that was that.
There’s other stories that are funnier and sexier and more personal and theres also a few takeaways:
- When you date an asian woman you tend to have the persistent, nagging feeling that it should be the last one, for many reasons.
- No matter how diverse your dating card has been, when you’re in public with an asian woman the whole word sees you as perverted thailand vacation guy. Just how it goes.
- Truth be told 99% of them are hell in bed, which I guess makes guys stick around and disregard weird accents and the insulting process of having to take your shoes off like you walked down Dogshit Avenue to get to their house or something.
- They seem to like bastards quite a bit; its imperative that you keep your pimp hand strong
- Of the ones your friendly narrator has met, 90% of them slept with him within 48 hours, so if you’re short on time…
- They uniformly hate asian women stereotypes like these, and to a lesser degree but should be mentioned, don’t like guys that like asian women. Figure that one out on the chalkboard.
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Tagged with accent, asian women, dating, funny story, korean, koreatown
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You look like a douchebag in that picture there! haha
junkyard’s last blog post..U2: No Line On The Horizon
andy———– i love that nobody else would ever write something like this but its very true and also very funny. good work!!!!!!! i will send to my friends
(and i am an asian woman)
Yeah I do. I was a douchebag then. Thanks for pointing it up Junkyard.
did you wax your eyebrows?
I did not wax my eyebrows. I happen to have really good skin, eyebrows and hair and am otherwise not very attractive.
wait a second, frances i know who you are and you’re asian. i see where the anger is coming from.
lollerskates!
[...] dates. Victoria is a pretty accomplished old-media writer. I didn’t include Victoria in my dating asian women post and she hasn’t included me in this bad dating [...]
The ones that like bastards have bastard dads who have slapped around their moms.
The ones that would jump your bones in 48 hours are not the average asian girl. They are the asian girls who have white fetishes…
rocker chick looks like a serial killer
haha sam. no she was really sweet. any of her eccentric appearance was only a defense mechanism. she never wanted the nice boys anyway.
HAHA
…Another tip is that asian chicks move on quick and don’t look back.
there’s always the exception (me).
I can totally identify. I had an ecounter with a Chinese massage parlor chick (whore) who just took a liking to me for some reason adn asked for my number as I was getting ready to leave after she massaged me and I blew in her hand. She called less than an hour later and asked me to pick her up from work that evening. Still my personal best time for a “meet & screw”.