The Ultimate Hangover Cure For People In Their Thirties

If you’re in your late twenties or thirties you’ve probably noticed your hangovers have become terrifying recently.


You’re probably looking far and wide for any kind of natural hangover cure and for the most part, there isn’t one. Feeling anxious and jittery as you get older is natural. You’re scared to death suddenly. Why do you think people start having kids and buying houses and all kinds of other ways to acquire permanency or at least some vicarious youth or extension of youth by proxy?


You’re not alone.

Check out this idiot in this stock photo right here, you can tell he totally hates being 30 and hungover and having to tuck his shirt in and wear leather shoes now:


The problem is, according to my physician friend, is that your brain and body chemistry changes every 7-10 years. The 20 to 30 change is the hardest, most find. It’s when people often suddenly develop terrible physical or mental diseases, schizophrenia for one. Depression for two. Anxiety for three.

If you’re lucky to only have a little bit of the 2nd or  last one, consider yourself lucky. Pull up your chair and have a drink to celebrate.

Now, if you end up having 5 or 6 more drinks, you’re going to feel like shit tomorrow. Not like just a stronger version of your old hangovers, no.


A much different, stronger, scarier version of your old hangovers:

You’ll wake up and feel tired, dry and jittery. Pretty par for the course. Then you’ll feel a little depressed. A sense that something went wrong the previous night (probably did), then you’ll start to feel tense. You’ll try to eat something and that will feel weird both while doing it and while it sits in your stomach. You go out to do something to take your mind off what you’re thinking about and how you’re feeling and you’ll feel really insecure. You might throw up. You might have a panic attack. You might go watch TV and you’ll feel your head throbbing and heart palpitating because not only are you hungover and dehydrated, but your stupid 30 year old brain has told your body that its in serious trouble and has released all kinds of hormones that your ancestors used to fight tigers with. But you’re not fighting a tiger, you’re just watching TV. Fuck. You start to notice your breathing. You’re breathing too fast. You try to breathe slower but feel like you cant get a good breath or calm or catch your breath at all. You get more worried and anxious and feel worse and worse. The chemicals and your body’s reaction to them are now opening up more and more new symptoms that you’ve never experienced from a simple night of drinking.

Stop it right now. 



Do This Instead:

  1. Go back to the end of last night. Don’t stress out about how you’ll feel tomorrow but cautiously prepare. Tomorrow gets here.
  2. Take a Magnesium pill, 500MG to 1000MG. Drinking depletes your magnesium and magnesium also has some nice side effects besides calming your mind and body; it makes you poo.
  3. Drink a big cup of water before bed. You know that plastic taco bell cup that you kept for some reason? Pull that out from the back of your cabinet and fill it with cool or lukewarm water. Squeeze some lemon in if you aren’t a water drinker.  Chug the water
  4. Shake some salt onto your hand and lick it. 1/2 TSP or so.  Along with the water, you’ve just created inexpensive Gatorade. Your body will retain some of this water.
  5. Take a multivitamin. Any one will do.
  6. Take an Aspirin. Do not take Acetaminophen or anything else that might be bad for your liver, nervous system or glands. Good old Aspirin is safe and has few negative affects.
  7.  Wake up. If you can sleep in, do it. If you can’t, that’s ok too. Be calm, remember your stupid brain is the enemy here. Smile. Be happy that you drank your ass off and woke up in your own bed and nobody ugly is next to you (oh yeah, one more thing about being 30 is that you’re ugly now too) and that you have some disposable income, whatever that’s worth.
  8. Take .25 MG of Xanax/ Alprazolam. This is 1/4 of a  1MG pill. Break it in half then break it in half again. Tell your doctor about your terrifying anxiety/panic attacks and they’ll prescribe you this right away. Don’t start with 1 MG. You don’t need 1MG. You only need .25 MG.
  9. Make A Plan. None of the above will solve the depression you may be feeling, but a plan for your day will. The Xanax will be kicking in soon and you’ll start to feel like yourself again.
  10. Eat Something. Unlike before, you’re chilled out now so your fine to eat something, but make it healthy. Drink a big glass of Orange Juice to get your blood sugar going. Scramble some eggs, cut some tomatoes into slices and toast a piece of nice bread.
  11. Write something. I don’t know why, but in your thirties writing lists or thoughts down is really helpful and calming. “I still have no way to survive but to keep writing one line, one more line, one more line….”- Yukio Mishima.

Hope this helps you. Feel free to add/subtract in the comments. 

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  1. Finally you get it with the xanax. Try balencing more, no hard alcohol, just beer and xanax before bedtime but closer to 1/2 mg. You have disposable income now, act like it, buy propel zero or if you want to be semi exotic get some berocca.

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  2. If you can get your hands on it: Ondansetron.

    Takes care of vomiting next day – but if u ACTUALLY have a supply on hand, you might have a serious problem – or you’re a disgusting ingrate, stealing it from chemo patients. Either way, not OK…

    Just to clarify – I get mine on my own @ the ER, generally after they’ve IV’d & referred me to the substance abuse outpatient program I’ve already done once and should probably head on back to.

    Also fan of Xanax and Lorazepam.

    Hard drinking in ur 30s is a tough way to play. I hope you were smart enough to get a job with medical benefits in your 20s.

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