Tips For Dealing With Homeless People
By Larry “Stretchnuts” Haggerty
1. Don’t Do The Fake Front Pocket Pat Down
When I ask you cheapskates for money and you just pat the front of your pockets and then shrug as if that’s proof that you don’t have any money it insults my intelligence and also doesn’t get me any money, two deadly mistakes.
Look asshole, just because I keep my money in a cup doesn’t mean that I don’t know that money is kept in the back pocket in a square thing called a “Wallet”.
Try looking in there, preppy.
2. Don’t Give Me A Leftover Burrito
What do you think being a bum is like being on Cancun Spring break 24/7?
Oh he’s a cool old party guy, I bet he loves burritos.
Do you have any idea how a leftover burrito looks after you’ve waltzed down the street swinging the bag and container around like you have multiple sclerosis?
It looks like a dinosaur abortion, that’s how.
3. Don’t Give Me Life Advice
Yeah thanks for the 2 quid and your suggestion that I “get the help I need”. The help I need costs $3.39 and is made from grapes.
4. Don’t Give Me A Handfull of Pennies And Think You’re Some Kind Of Philanthropist
There’s no bum exchange rate. I can’t buy shit with that either.
5. Don’t Ask Me If I Like To Smoke Pot Or Use Drugs And Then Not Give Me Any
You wouldn’t ask a bear if he likes honey and show him a picture of a big winnie the pooh tub of honey and then run off would you?
Stop teasing me you little college pricks.
6. Keep Your Drunk Women Away From Me
Every night some hammered bitch get’s all sensitive and motherly on me and asks about:
My Family
“Oh wow, didn’t think about calling those assholes. Thanks for that tip. This camping trip is over!”
How Long I’ve Been On The Streets
5 days. 5 years. What’s the right answer? What does it matter?
I’m here and I need wine. Give me wine.
If I Have Any Kids
What does this have to do with wine? Yeah, i’ve got 6 around the corner and they’re dying of thirst and allergic to everything but fortified wine.
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Check me out on my twitter account. Yeah bums have cell phones. What you think we communicate our intent to score drugs with our dealer using smoke signals from some trashcan fire?
Get lost you cheap yuppies.
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Tagged with begging, bum, communicating, donations, homeless, panhandling, tips, wine
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How about walking by with complete indifference as if you don’t exist? Is that preferable? Genuinely curious.
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Hey Jason! That sounds like a preferable way to get your ass stabbed with a piece of broken glass, you asshole! Then I can pretend that YOU don’t exist, because you fuckin’ won’t! Ahaha!
P.S. Hey, you got any change for bus fare I could borrow? Cigarettes? Picture of your girlfriend?
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hey jason was just asking an honest question stretch. If i don’t have any money i usually just see the bum and then sprint to the other side of the street while staring at him the entire time to see if he’s getting mad. seems to work ok usually.
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I have a question stretch: I notice that there’s a certain class of bums who approach me asking for gas money because they’re driving across country in their bigass van and they ran out of gas. How come bums are driving so much? With gas being so expensive it seems like it’d make more sense to hold tight in one place and just use the van for shelter. Thanks and I’ll take my answer off the air.
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Tom, you asshole! Gas doesn’t cost more just because some alarmist hippies cry about it! It costs the goddamn same as always.
I don’t have a van, but my good buddy Bucketjunk has one and he always has to move it a few blocks every 12 hours or the fuckin’ pigs will repo his ass and he’ll be up shit creek. But he makes gas money in like 10 minutes of begging on account of he only got one arm.
Aint’ no bum never drove across the country though, dicknose. If we were gonna do that we’d hop a train car like always. Don’t ever ask me a stupid question like that again or I’ll kick your goddamn ass!
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whoa stretch, calm down before i call your probation officer. I agree with Tom, what’s with you bum hippies who have a van or a bus schedule who are moving to somewhere else? Why not stay put?
Why is it my job to move you? Tell us some tips for spotting fake hippie van owners. What’s with bums having props nowadays anyhow?
Every time I start to doubt some bum he bulls out a prop that backs up his story. Explain stretch.
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Hi Andy. Why don’t you clean out yer fuckin’ ears so I can tell you again: Ain’t no bums driving a van across the goddamn country! Bums got the name “bum” because they lay around and don’t do shit!
Driving across country would require us (bums) to be self-sufficient enough to survive in various unknown locations, which no one would attempt unless they were on the run or something. So if you actually DID see a bum driving a van across the country, it’s probably because he killed somebody and had to get his ass outta town.
I’d venture to guess that anyone driving a van and asking you for money is just some asshole rich hippy kid on a road trip that lost his credit card and hasn’t bathed in a week.
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Stretch, I refute your claims thusly: these van people with the sob story are invariably black, and everyone knows there’s no such thing as a black hippie.
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You need to come hang out at the hobo jungle where everyone knows what is up. No crazy “regular” folks to bother you, plus all the cardboard you can eat.
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haha great site maxwell… http://www.hobodigest.com
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I *never* provide money to homeless in the US. No matter what state they live in, if they are too mentally and/or physically disabled to work (age doesn’t matter), they can go to their nearest Social Security office and file for disability insurance under Title XVI. After enduring a couple of denials and reapplications the first two years, they will receive* a monthly stipend, free medical care and, typically, qualify for Section 8 housing. Fuckers on the street pouting like there are no resources for them and expecting me to hand over cash can suck my dick. I’ve never owned a house, live in the ghettos of Oakland and Sacramento (two SHITTY regions — come see for yourself, bulletproof vest not provided) depending on the time of year, and drop 12.4% of my pay on Social Security taxes. Go get some of that, which I don’t begrudge you because I believe in a civilized society, but don’t ask for what’s left in my wallet. I’ll talk to anyone — I’m not above anyone, but you’re not entitled: psychologically, socially, morally, physically, interpersonally, fantastically, science-fictionally, nnon-fictionally, subjectively, objectively, philosophically, or any other fucking way to more money.
*Unless they are alcoholics, drug addicts, or fugitives, in which case they cannot qualify for benefits UNTIL they clean up or finish serving their time. Accordingly, most ppl standing on the street are fuckheads who are taking handout money to the liquor store, are too fucking lazy to walk to SSA or, alternatively, are supplementing SSA money they’re already receiving from my paychecks. Fuck off.
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