Every restaurant and fast food stand is offering Starbucks style coffees and coffee drinks— and they’re excited that they’ve nimbly noticed this cultural trend and can be apart of it.
We’re supposed to smile with self-effacement and feign guilt while the TV shouts at us:
YOU’RE LOCO FOR JAVA!
This really begs the question:
Which asshole at McKinsey & Co turned in his market research report 5 years late?
They’re also peddling another thing that we are supposed to be believe is new, through some sort of marketing Jedi Mind Trick:
(hold your breath)
You motherfucking hacks.
My Mom and her friends were slamming iced cofees in 1985. Iced coffee is not a new thing.
BUT YOU’RE JAVA LOCO! Okay, okay, you’re right, i’m java loco, give me a cup of coffee flavored liquid candy, here’s $5.
This shit must stop.
I’m going to show you a series of photos which, assuming you’re a Christian, should turn your stomach:
If you win $1,000,000 in the lottery, you can fill your swimming pool up with Starbucks Cafe Mocha a little less than twice.
If you make the coffee at home, it’ll cost you about $12,000 plus approximately $500 in cream and $250 in sugar.
I have no idea how much “Macchiato” costs.
If for no other reason than to preclude some Harvard/Wharton MBA clone from getting a hefty bonus from their “great idea”, please abstain from any specialty coffee beverage and do not pay more than 1 USD for a serving of coffee.
7-11 stores, through sheer negligence and not really any overarching philosophy of consumer value, make available pretty much any ingredient you require to make yourself a specialty coffee drink. Need ice? Over there by the Big Gulp machines.
Need your name written sloppily in sharpie on your cup? Get your worthless ass off my website now.