Iced Coffee Is Not Some Cool New Thing

wendys-frosty

Every restaurant and fast food stand is offering Starbucks style coffees and coffee drinks— and they’re  excited that they’ve nimbly noticed this cultural trend and can be apart of it.

We’re supposed to smile with self-effacement and feign guilt while the TV shouts at us:

YOU’RE LOCO FOR JAVA!


This really begs  the question:

Which asshole at McKinsey & Co  turned in his market research report 5 years late?

They’re also peddling another thing that we are supposed to be believe is new, through some sort of marketing Jedi Mind Trick:

(hold your breath)

Iced Coffee.

iced-coffee1

You motherfucking hacks.


My Mom and her friends were slamming iced cofees in 1985. Iced coffee is not a new thing.

BUT YOU’RE JAVA LOCO! Okay, okay, you’re right,  i’m java loco, give me a cup of coffee flavored liquid candy, here’s $5.

This shit must stop.

I’m going to show you a series of  photos which, assuming you’re a Christian, should turn your stomach:

starbucks-venti

gas-can-starbucks

starbucks-swimming-pool

If you win $1,000,000 in the lottery, you can fill your swimming pool up with Starbucks Cafe Mocha a little less than twice.

coffee-swimming-pool

If you make the coffee at home, it’ll cost you about $12,000 plus approximately $500 in cream and $250 in sugar.

I have no idea how much “Macchiato” costs.

If for no other reason than to preclude some  Harvard/Wharton MBA clone from getting a hefty bonus from their “great idea”, please abstain from any specialty coffee beverage and do not pay more than 1 USD for a serving of coffee.

Protip:

7-11 stores, through sheer negligence and not really any overarching philosophy of consumer value,  make available pretty much any ingredient you require to make yourself a specialty coffee drink. Need ice? Over there by the Big Gulp machines.

Need your name written sloppily in sharpie on your cup? Get your worthless ass off my website now.

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12 Comments

on “Iced Coffee Is Not Some Cool New Thing
12 Comments on “Iced Coffee Is Not Some Cool New Thing
  1. Pingback: Sliders Are Stupid, Little Burgers | Misanthropy Today

  2. I’m with ya Fox. My mother used to be a problem drinker and then stopped drinking alcohol and drinks these coffee drinks from starbucks and the other places. She comes home hopped up on this shit like an amphetamine addict and vacuums the house while i’m playing xbox live. Personally, I preferred when she fell asleep on the hammock after drinking a jug of Chablis.

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  3. All Americans should do their civic duty to end the recession…Buy a big fucking can of Folgers and if thats not enough, pick up some ice cube trays and a damn can of redi-whip.

    That is all.

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  4. Clever title!

    For the record I have yet to set foot in a Starbucks. I only ever drink from there if a) someone else is going and b) that someone is also buying. Whether this makes me a lazy ass mooch or really really smart is up for debate.

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  5. You’re so fucking right about the motherfucking hacks who FINALLY figured out how to make some more jack. I do applaud the six figure earning sob’s for showing the rest of the world that coffee isn’t some complicated drink that needs to whipped up by some over paid barista who feels they need to be tipped for making something that anyone can do. It’s just coffee.

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  6. SteveO, I think they took far too friggin long in showing anyone anything. Most people are bored/tired/fat from specialty coffees at this point. I’d estimate that the fast food chains have lost hundreds of millions not capitalizing on these coffees.

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  7. I concur that the johnie-come-latelys have lost out on the peak, but have identified new revenue streams and are now showing the stores with so called baristas that they are not so special any more. The people being hired at these specialty shops can some how get hired, but quickly revert to be the people they are when not at work and so goes the ‘experience’.

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