Why Dane Cook Sucks And Is Unfunny
I’ve mentioned how I think Dane Cook sucks and is unfunny before but I read something about him this morning on my morning internet hike (I like to call fucking off on the internet new verby terms, surfing is so 90’s) and I got so pissed that I bicycled over to my blog and decided to write an analysis on why DC isn’t funny and sucks some of the biggest cocks in the world, or at least North America.
Superfans Of Dane Cook Will Respond To You Saying He Sucks Like This:
1) No way, he’s hilarious.
2) Well he’s more successful/richer/famouser/better looking than you are.
3) I like this one joke where he says….
To that I say:
1. No, he’s really not.
2. Ok you got me there, but so are lots of lousy people like Osama Bin Laden and OJ Simpson. Being any of those things doesn’t really figure in to being good at comedy, which was the point I was making.
3. Stop right there, I don’t like any of his jokes and will not agree with you and your bad retelling of a bad joke.
I think that Dane Cook is the Comedian for unfunny people.
Let that sink in for a minute. You will notice that those who like Dane Cook are the types of people who tell unfunny and anticlimactic jokes. To his credit Dane has really mastered the telling of unfunny jokes, which to unfunny people must look like high art.
I’m not talking about comedic timing. I’m not talking about comedy flavor preferences (dirty vs. high-brow vs. ironic vs. slapstick vs. satire vs. witty etc).
I’m talking like “That isn’t funny. There is nothing funny about that”.
Watch This Video, Analysis Below:
Joke #1: Driving to the show someone drifts into your lane.
Ok first off that isn’t true. That did not happen to you on your way to the show. Saying common figures of speech in a choppy, enunciated way isn’t funny either. Rules-of-the-road. Nope, not funny.
The punchline: White people say “Um hello” when someone drifts into their lane. Black people say “Check out this motherfucker”, chinese people say “[unintelligible]“. That’s the joke. Sure people do say that but the problem with this reference, on a comedic level, is that it’s not esoteric or buried enough to be like “oh yeah, that’s so true!”, but if you think of some dim coworker in your office you’ve probably heard stories like this that end with “and then I was all ‘um hellooooo’ “.
Joke #2: Magicians Do Theatrical Hand Motions And Look Cool. What If Other Professions Did too?
This joke has faulty premises since nobody that I know of thinks magicians look cool doing all of that theatrical stuff with their hands. Most people think its schmaltzy and lame. Because of this nobody would be shocked to see a Kinkos employee “getting away with” doing that crap because nobody in their right mind thinks that stuff looks cool. Sometimes you see a box delivery person or something putting a little flair into their job and you think “well whatever gets them through the day” or you feel bad for them. Next.
Joke #3: People With Bad Breath Always Want To Tell You Secrets
This joke is not funny because it pretty much follows a very simple “the worst thing that could happen” line of humor but on a very small, unfunny, mostly untrue scale. It could be considered post hoc ergo propter hoc, basically meaning coincidental causation or correlation not causation. People with bad breath are not driven to tell you secrets. Very rarely have I noticed someone telling me a secret has bad breath because my ear can’t smell things. When someone tells you a secret and you do smell their bad breath I guess this is somewhat memorable, and if someone made a habit of it, I guess that would be funny in an anecdotal way but in and of itself is not universally funny which is required for mass stand-up comedy. I think many movies and TV shows have made a joke about a professor or teacher with bad breath who close-talks. That has context, making it somewhat acceptable on that format.
If I said: Isn’t it weird how whenever you’re in a public toilet some creep next to you is having like tijuana diarrhea?
That might be funnier because it’s a more extreme example and therefore you collect the positives (times that someone had loud diarrhea next to you) and discard the negatives (times you were in a public restroom and your neighbor took a quiet dump).
If I said, “Wow today at work in the bathroom it sounded like the guy in the next stall crapped out a gallon of chocolate milk” that might work the best since it’s anecdotal and that it happened recently at my place of work breathes some fire into it.
Joke #4: Public Restrooms not for rest; everything is wet;
Ah people don’t rest in restrooms. Novel. Everything is wet: the sink area is sometimes. People treat public space like crap. The door is all fucked up: Not that i’ve noticed really– again, see public space. This is similar to the last one overall, some fuzzy, half-baked observations.
For example I could say: Ever notice how seats on buses and subways are all scratched up and worn down looking? What do people who ride public transportation have like power sanders for asses? Amirite?!
Then you’d be like wanting to explain that when something is used a lot day in day out it gets worn down but would then realize i’m trying to be funny and go, “oh ok, chuckle, power sanders…”
Joke #5 Avoiding Fights, Fighting Signs, etc
This one is sorta true except white people don’t wipe their mouths. I would’ve said they spit and talk big and push fairly gingerly for the task at hand. The part about black guy’s friends being overly excited is true and sorta made me laugh because I like slapstick humor and how he was jumping around a lot. It sort of reminds me of an In Living Color skit where they make fun of blacks at comedy clubs in a very similar fashion:
Anyway, if you’re a Dane Cook fan I hope this analysis helps you understand comedy better and maybe even gives you some tips on how to not only better enjoy comedy but maybe be more funny yourself.
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I think this post should be dedicated to me, obviously that’s who you were thinking of when you decided to write this.
Amen, good analysis yet its sad it needs to be spelled out for idiots who probbly still don’t understand. If your dumb then dumb shit makes u laugh and smart shit confuses you
He is truly bad.
I’m not sure anyone really listens to what he is saying. I think that he just changes the inflections of his voice, uses a lot of emphasis points, and sound effects to trick people into thinking he is saying something with comedic value.
Let’s face it, the majority of the population is only listening to the sound effects anyway…or, if they think he is funny, they simply don’t get it.
Funny how humor is subjective. Like, you’re not wrong. But neither are Dane Cook fans. Opinions, et cetera.
No matter what, a joke is in somebody’s bucket. …even if it’s only funny at 3 am after enough Blue Moon to paralyze a water buffalo.
I have yet to laugh at anything Dane Cook has ever said. I watched an HBO of him because he’s “supposed” to be funny and walked away (after 10 minutes) thinking “Maybe it’s just me”. Then I realized, nah, he sucks.
I’m going to agree with the unfunny comments. He has his moments, is about as nice as you can get, when referring to his comedy.
Although I do see what people may see in him, and it’s the ‘entertainment’ value. The fact he wriggles around on stage, changing the pitch of his voice, etc. etc. Almost the kind of comedy, that when you mute it, you’d see in the black and white films of old. He’s ruined a couple of good movies too, because he isn’t horrible as an actor, until they work ‘his’ comedy into the movie.
Lol the fact that your telling people whats not funny is truly retarded. people have a choice at what they think is funny. Drop it there if someone mentions how funny he is bite your tounge for your opinion valid tho it may be is not needed.
morning internet hike = bicycling the web
Dane Cook is a hack. I’d rather have 1 Bill Hicks than a thousand Dane Cook’s.
On another note…I just found your blog. Good shit. I’m going to post a link on our blog for you.
Cheers!
Dude, you should have also mentioned something along the lines of the fact that approximately 25-30% of his act consists of randomly running around and screaming, jumping up and down, and ripping off his clothes for NO apparent reason – which in itself, is also completely NOT funny and just a huge waste of time. I think that also other people find him funny because of the following. This accounts for probably 20% of his fan-base. Women find him to be attractive, therefore they will say he’s awesome at whatever he does, even if he isn’t. Men, like women. Men will say whatever women would agree with just to hook up with said women, therefore they say he’s funny. Eventually both parties become disillusioned into actually thinking he’s funny.
You could also link to the video of the sketch MadTV did parodying Dane Cook. That’s a perfect impression of Dane Cook.
In Response to Kay… you’re mostly wrong.
See while in part, comedy is subjective, the object of a professional stand-up comedian is to subject to the MASS AUDIENCE’S views as to what is funny. See, now go on YouTube and search for stuff like, “George Carlin is NOT funny” and see how many videos you find in comparison to how many you find for “Dane Cook is NOT funny.” Never before has anyone been called “unfunny” or made fun of for not being funny as Dane Cook has. So clearly, Dane Cook is not nearly as funny as what Dane Cook fans would like to believe. Clearly, you’re a moron.
it seems as over half of this country dislikes cook(myself included) but, if some peoples opinions change for the worse we will end up in th movie idocracy and i do not understand shit he steals it is not funny and when he draws ablank he runs in circles children today should be turned early snl johhny carson and george carlin not people like o’brian and cook i fear we are headed for the worst you will know it when chris rock shaves his head gain 200 pounds 9 feet to his height and a suns jersey
i fear this may be the end of comedy if funny people do not step up the world will come to its demise please parents turn your kids to early snl episodes and george carlin or risk turning america into the movie idocracy, i do not want a fat man at costco telling me he loves me never. daneshoulddie.com create if you have no balls and cant say it to his face at a tour of his
Try not funny unfunny isn’t a word retard.
http://www.merriam-webster.com/thesaurus/unfunny
oh really? your sentence is missing a semicolon DANE.
well fuck all of you who like to vent about ur negative feelings about dane cook. you’re all a bunch of pussy bitches and im pretty sure if i met one of you shit for brains i would kick the living shit out of you fags
amen
I think this the most ass backwards blog I have ever read. Why would care sooo much, and through all the trouble of writing a blog about how much you dislike the comedy of Dane Cook.
People (the masses!) think he is funny. Comedy does not have to be smart or even original. Comedy just has to make a person laugh.
A lot of people use their hands to express and convey emotion when telling a story. I know I do. It just sucks that with all the things going on in the world, you chose to write about how much you dislike Dane Cook.
Use your excellent writing skills for something important next time.
*Why would YOU care….and GO through
yeah fucking assholes
dane cook is the best
hell yeah, JJ is the only one with asense of humor here
Wow, looking at how moronic the last two posters are, I can see why people would be dumb enough to like Dane Cook. Only a retard would laugh at a pile of shit (literally and metaphorically).
Lol. Listen to these mindless dane cook superfans getting all pissed off.
I can’t stand this guy. He isn’t funny and no where near clever. Any yes, YOU’RE correct in saying only dumb, unfunny, unintelligent people are amused by him.
unfunny isnt a word retard; dane cook’s more intelligent than you dumbfuck
Why are people taking this so seriously? People like to watch his acts and laugh. It’s not like people are shaping a new religion around him. And how can the people saying Dane isn’t funny justify saying that all the people who like him are stupid when you have your fair share of idiots running wild in this very discussion.
Mr. Hat: “if funny people do not step up the world will come to its demise”
Just read calade’s comment. It’s called a period dumbass. And the last line and a half I’m assuming was supposed to be a joke. “you will know it when chris rock shaves his head gain 200 pounds 9 feet to his height and a suns jersey” What are you trying to say?
Umm, Dane Cook’s Gallagher-esque fame is fading. His frat boy schtick is not popular even among the dumbest of masses, and his movies are always BO poison. So, yeah, you fail.
Wow.
I’d like to Start by Saying, that for the past few months I’ve gone to parties where Everyoonnneee OBSESSED Over Lil’ Wayne (stay with me, you’ll see where I’m going with this). Now, Because lil wayne sucks AND is the worst rapper alive, I Naturally argued my case, which either Stumps the nearly retarded minds at the party or causes them to say “FUCK YOU HE’s THE BEST HE’S MY HUSBAND…..” like they’ve met before and he’s their best friend. I got tired of hearing This over and over again and Defending my case constantly, so, I decided to make a Pamphlet of why Lil Wayne sucks. I brought it to every party i went to since and Shut everyone down. It was fun
I Started making other Pamphlet’s, but those never really blew out of proportion to a point where i Needed to bring them to every party…. Until Dane Cook. Now, As some one who appreciates real comedy and not just loud noises, weird faces, jumping across stages and dragging the same joke for about 70 minutes (Exp: the DMV joke), I Naturally retorted that Dane Cook isn’t funny. Party after party after party it came to this, so i Decided to make another Pamphlet: Why Dane Cook isn’t funny. While working on it, I Found your blog, and I quite possibly think that you may be the second coming. You ripped the words out of my mouth and articulated them perfectly, EVEN responding to their rebuttles in the same manor that i did in my arguments. I’m including your link in my Pamphlet and I will continue to read your blog posts as it may be possible that you are the new messiah. Thank you for this blessing, it’s a BEAUTIFUL thing that you’re doing for all of us.
No im not gona say anything that you said fans are gona say im gona say why are you hating? Why waiste time out of your life to write about why you hate him. You hate him so much you like to hate him?
Also just to tell you, most of the people that post comments are here because they googled hating dane cook. I googled it because one of his jokes is about haters like you.
Dane Cook just plain sucks!!!! This analysis was spot-on. I watched one of his HBO shows for about 15 minutes and I didn’t laugh once. I love the comedy of Louis C.K. Now THIS GUY IS FUNNY!!!! Check him out.
I think your fucking grammar is funny you fucking retard who you say “unfunny people” who can’t comprehend good humor listen to Dane Cook.Like your a funny guy? Your that asshole at the party who no one likes so instead of writing a whole blog page dissing a person who does what he loves why don’t you look at your life cause there’s something fucking wrong with you.
SUFI BITCH!
deconstructing something in an amateur way is not funny..or entertaining. the problem with the internet? is that its clogged up with untalented writers and egomaniacs like yourself. god..i dont like Dane Cook either..but I’m guessing he’s a hell of a lot more fun to hang out with than you.
Oh..and dissing SF? c’mon..you gotta really hate life and yourself to get down on such a beautiful city. Come to Baltimore if you want to be reminded that you live in a fantastic metropolis.
I agree that Dane Cook is pretty bad (despite having improved a bit) and doesn’t deserve all the fame. But I’m on the very first joke and you wrote,
“The punchline: White people say “Um hello” when someone drifts into their lane. Black people say “Check out this motherfucker”, chinese people say “[unintelligible]“. That’s the joke. Sure people do say that but…”
Well hello dummy but “unintelligible” was a car crash. If you’re gonna analyze something, actually pay attention.
dane cook is not a comedian. he’s a showman who has been blown out of proportion. he uses funny sounds and actions to solicit a reaction from the audience. a lot of his jokes are unfinished and nonsensical. after seein his in round performance for ten minutes i thought well there’s a comedian i won’t be listening o again….. pass the earplugs