Why Scottsdale Is No Good. No Good At All
(update: I found this site while researching to see if i’m just a grouch, turns out, this phenomenon is well
documented http://www.dirtyscottsdale.com
I’m in Scottsdale, toward the tail end of my trip. I’ve had a pretty good time and the weather has been gorgeous, although the heat is relentless and you wish it would cool down sometimes. They have those misters pretty much everywhere and I guess I never really got over their novelty. I must've looked like an idiot stopping every 40 feet to stand underneath one. The Mondrian is really a lovely hotel and only 1/2 as pretentious as you'd imagine.
Everything that is created civically in Scottsdale is cute and quaint. Everything privately created is rather lame and derivative. There's a huge local taste for the inauthentic when Scottsdale (in my mind at least) has it's own authentic culture. I don't know what I expected but I somehow envisioned being served a drink in a cactus or cowboy boot shaped container. It never happened.
The Mexican food I ate was rather poor, mostly because it was tortured Mexican food with lovely additions like seared ahi (barf) wasabi sauce (mexican?) and just about any other ridiculous fusion someone might think is hip. Thai, Indian, Etc.
The problem with many fusion foods is that "Fusion" is not really possible when you've completely removed the nature of one of the two things while fusing them. For example, burritos are wrapped in a tortilla, not a giant piece of lettuce. That's called hippy food. Mexicans aren't hippies. Don't give Mexicans a bad name by serving a burrito with carrots and curry sauce inside of it, Todd. Also, apparently anything with Arugula is delicious and gourmet, and i'm not putting this squarely on Scottsdale's shoulders, but I suspect they have a lot to do with that nasty crap.
A Major Item: Scottsdale is man-bot and fem-bot central. The mecca of douchebags and implanted and bleached twits. This can't be stated enough. I’ve never seen anything like it before. I’m fairly well traveled, I lived in Hollywood from the age of 21-23: I’ve never seen any place like this. The amount of really good looking people here is appalling. Most are good-looking in the bottish way--- many are legitimately goodlooking, almost all require their bodies be oiled hourly.
(above, actual scottsdale residents)
There are more nasty dance clubs in Scottsdale than anywhere else on earth. When you see the people who fill the streets, you understand why.
Also, nobody seems to be having fun really. Everyone is just pursing their lips and glancing off and posing and ordering Strawberry Mojitos. You begin to realize that all of this must be something of an unscratchable itch, and even makes me feel foolish for staying at a place like the Mondrian. What did I expect?
Scottsdale seems to be humorless in just about every way, but especially about its citizens collective dream of being Beverly Hills or Newport Beach East. You wonder how all of these Arizonians got their money with such a mediocre job market, or, if they don't actually have money but are very intent on pretending they do, you wonder how long it will last. Everyone looks like a Realtor or Broker of some kind. With the Arizona housing market dropping off faster than any other state in the US you can deduce that a lot of people made a lot of money with it, and a lot of people lost a lot of money. But human nature is to hope and believe that things will always be as good as they are right now, and operate accordingly.
The problem with Scottsdale, like so many other places, is not the place itself but the people.
Kurt Vonnegut once wrote:
We Must Be Careful What We Pretend To Be, Because We Are What We Pretend To Be.
While in Scottsdale, dodging phonies and eating arugula and wasabi sauce and other unchristian foods, I thought a lot about the book by Henry Miller titled "The Air Conditioned Nightmare", which is basically about how the invention of Air Conditioning has allowed humans to live in otherwise inhospitable places. Air Conditioning is pretend cold air. Scottsdale is a California beachside community as much as Disneyland's Matterhorn is a Swiss Mountain. Scottsdale is pretending to be something it isn't, and doing so badly and offensively.
Todd: So would you come back to Scottsdale?
Me: Yeah, Probably.
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Ha ha hilarious…I mean somebody is going to have to do a reality show in Scottsdale eventually…right?? The place is absolutely ridiculous…amazing chicks within a sea of dudes that all look like Ryan Cabrera. I mean any town where over 15% of the male population owns a flatiron deserves it own reality show. Scottdale is like “Hot Topic” except for 20 and thirty somethings on the prowl. I think you get a ticket if you are teeth are not bleached once a month.
dude you knew this before i left, and you didn’t warn me at all. I got off the plane thinking that Scottsdale was a quaint desert community with a healthy nightlife. And I disagree about the chicks being “amazing”. If you heard some of the conversations I overheard or, gasp, took part in, you’d know why I say that.
God I hate “fusion” cuisine. Did you know that there is now a “tex-mex” sushi joint in downtown SANTA ROSA? Jesus H Christ in a chicken basket…
Actually, I will accept “fusion” within a given subset, i.e. Roscoe’s “Chicken & Waffles”, or if it in any way involves pizza, which I believe in my heart of hearts is truly an international, perfectly adaptable food.
Pizza can be messed with, its like a stew or a salad: Throw whatever in.
You’ve nailed it completely, If you want to furthe you disgust of scottsdale and it’s residents and resident D-bags check out dirtyscottsdale.com
Really nice site you have here. I’ve been reading for a while but this post made me want to say 2 thumbs up. Keep up the great work
Hey…
have you checked out the new TROVATA store down near Newport Harbor? Amazing…
that’s all I’m gonna say. The styles are on point.
There’s a simple map on their site at trovata.com
– but if you’re not from around here you might want to google this address…
505 31st Street, Newport Beach, CA.
Peace.
I live in Scottsdale and you nailed it, LOL! Though only parts are like that…Old Town and North. I deny living here sometimes because of the douche-nozzles!
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